Saturday, November 21, 2009

Another caption contest...

Though Scratch ‘n Sniff technology was still light years from perfection, Glenda Arlene and hubby Dennis always delivered the goods with their Xmas card.

Frank and Wanda were unaware of the strict anti-kitty porn laws in Des Moines.

A rare nude photo of Snagglepuss and Max. Shown here with their two cats, Spot and Gerome.

After turning state’s evidence, Don “The Curl” Benjovi enjoyed the good life in the witness protection program.

Betty and Johnny Pemberton made quite the impression visiting Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch during the short-lived “Pet the Pussy” booth.

A pre-kickoff meeting?

WTF? That pretty much sums up a business meeting I sat in a few months back from the most dysfunctional corporate entity east of the Mississippi (name withheld simply because they've suffered enough).

This project meeting was originally billed as a "pre-kickoff" meeting, complete with typo-filled agenda and ill-prepared attendees clearly unaware of the actual meeting purpose. It featured an ex-ad agency project manager, a VP of marketing (and sales – evidently the best kind of VP), another project manager in love with the sound of his own voice, an outside consultant unable to articulate her project role, a third project manager intent on smiling through it all (probably watching porn on his laptop), the President of our firm and... me. Throw in an 8th member of the "strategic team" three states west who joined via conference call (and said ... absolutely nothing) and we essentially defined a world-class, A-list, C-level, D-student, category 6, code red, moronathon-of-the-third-kind.

Noticeably absent from the meeting? Anyone remotely possessing decision-making authority from the client side. Oh, damn the details...

There's no such thing as a pre-kick off for, well, anything. You either start something or you don't. You don't pre-start it... Nitpicking? Absolutely. Yet, after 112 minutes, 16 seconds of awkward introductions, ass kissing, blame assignment, risk management delegation, and business-speaking hell had ended, all I really wanted was a shower. And a name change.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Great play, bad call

As the world's biggest Arizona Cardinals fan, I've seen my share of horrific football. Yet, on occasion, they play inspired. Watch Antrel Rolle's blocked field goal return for a touchdown last Sunday against Jacksonville and listen to FOX's Chris Meyers call the play. Typically, an exciting play like this elicits something a little more... inspired than Meyers' offering.

"...And Antrel Rolle (18 yard line a full 60 yards after he caught it) ... will glide (5 yard line)... into the end zone FOR A TOUCHDOWN! (15 yards deep into the end zone, ball already dropped to the ground)." Was Chris even in the stadium or is it like Formula One where the announcers are in a US studio watching a feed? Rolle actually returned the ball 78 yards, but Chris didn't really become interested until he crossed the Jags' 20.

Thankfully Al Michaels was the play by play guy for the Miracle on Ice. Had it been Chris, perhaps the call would've been more like, "Did you see what just happened?"

Sunday, August 23, 2009

New Sony commercial with the Coop

The newest SONY commercial (UK only) features my favorite pitchman, the one and only Alice Cooper. Shot a few weeks ago prior to a show in Jackson, Michigan, it's typical tongue-in-cheek Cooper. Be sure to check out the manager credentials 18 seconds in:

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Beware the flash cards

My wonderful daughter is compassionate, caring, wise beyond her 9 years and absolutely mediocre at math. It's OK, I figure, as SAT's aren't for another few years. Remember, Einstein wasn't "smart" until it counted, so no need to panic...

I think I may now understand her dilemma. The other day, I stumbled upon a stack of hand-written slips of paper next to the computer mouse with division problems scribbled in pencil (ex: 12 / 4 = 3). Cool, I thought, she's working on her division. As I slid the mouse over to wake up the computer, I inadvertently scatter the homemade flash cards. As I gather them up, I noticed that some of the math didn't exactly jive with my recollection of the facts.  A sampling of her version of division :

8 / 4 = 7
28 / 4 = 12
16 / 4 = 9
4 / 4 = 6
12 / 4 = 8
24 / 4 = 11
and my favorite: 6 / 1 = 7

In an email, my wife writes, "in the good news department, it may mean she'd make an excellent corporate finance officer."

Sorry Cubs fans...

I've always been somewhat fascinated by fans of the Chicago Cubs and their stories of woe. As a lifelong fan of the Arizona Cardinals (yes, they are a football team), I've got a story or ten to tell about bad football. But, until last season, I estimate there were less than 10 confirmed fans of the Cardinals, so there weren't too many people willing to listen to me bitch about the "bad" years (identified by me as beginning the moment I first saw them on Monday Night Football on Nov. 16, 1970 and officially ending this past January, 2009 after winning three playoff games.)

Yet, Cubs fans are everywhere. And they point to events like the 1945 World Series incident (when a longtime Cubs fan – and his billy goat – was removed during Game 4), or 1969's epic collapse to the Mets (spurred on by a black cat encircling Cubs legend Ron Santo while on deck) to 2003's Steve Bartman (who looks remarkably like Subway's Jarod) interfering with the Cubs right fielder during the NLCS against Florida. More recently, they'll blame injuries to Kerry Wood and the rest if their glass-armed staff or the incompetence of former Manager Dusty Baker (a great player, but as a manager he could botch an intentional walk).

Let me make one thing clear: there is a curse. But, it has little to do with the hundreds of innocents that have laced up the cleats for the team representing Chicago's north side. There are far more greater forces at work here. Consider the Cubs perpetual ineptitude baseball's version of divine karma.

More to the point, any organization that at any time during its history would allow this as its logo, deserves to wallow in eternal non-winning purgatory:

Seriously, who in the hell thought this would be acceptable?  I realize this is from the early 1920's and that was a long time ago, but I'm pretty sure that even back then there was an understanding that a royal blue "C" and a brown bear impaled by a fucking bat was in poor form for a logo. "Cubby fans, don't forget to join us next week at Wrigley Field for Shit Stain the Bear Night. The first 20,000 fans receive a Shit Stain crying towel and barf bag courtesy of Old Style."

Regardless, the verdict is in. The Cubs curse is alive and well. 

Oh, Canada!

Most Canadians seem content. Certainly, they're not nearly as uptight as say, we ugly Americans...

Take this informational sign for Ottawa's Constance Bay. Church, Food, Shopping, Recreation, Gas and everyone's favorite, ballroom dancing:

Saturday, July 18, 2009

You can be cool. Soon...

Hey, why not buy some funny t-shirts? All proceeds go to me and help support my Arizona Cardinals habit. There's plenty of great gear at my Zazzle shop... and more stuff all the time. 

C'mon, you really need a Legalize Crime t-shirt. Seriously...

Final Jeopardy

Something for every occasion...

Stock photography. I don't know how art directors and designers survived before stock sites. (Actually, I'm completely bullshitting. We survived because we actually had to think and have an original concept before. Now, we just settle for what's available because it's easy. And cheaper. But, I digress.

Today, there are resources such as that allow users to search and locate images that are just right for the occasion. For example, searching for the simple key word of "embarrassment", yields 3,505 images; Looking for awkward situations such as “adolescent boy with braces”, “man with pants down” or “women caught in bathroom stall”? Well, you are in luck.

You’d also be in luck if were searching for “Ashamed dog” (caught by a clever cartoonist sniffing his own shit just moments after the dirty deed). My guess is the dog is actually white... You figure it out:

Looking for a horribly rendered drunken monster being chastized by a horribly rendered authoritarian drunken monster? (Hey, aren’t we all?) Try “impolite young godzilla” on for size:

Need an over-the-top image of a pink horse with 1st place ribbon and polka dots? Hell, here you go... 

Whoever illustrated this is odd. But, whoever captioned it needs to step away from the meth. Here is the full description: 
Confused Champion Horse stayed in stable while Free Herd played on the valley:

How about the ever popular “Young Man farts and kills a bird” (I swear: that is the caption. What’s worse? It’s been downloaded more than 30 times...):

Seriously, who in the fuck looks at that and say, “you know, for only $10, this would make an ideal image for my project... “? 

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Breaking non-news

Standing in the lobby waiting for the elevator at my office building this morning, I glanced over to the TV monitor on the lobby wall as I do every day. And, typically CNN has a "breaking news" story. Usually, it's something like an uprising in Uganda, flooding in the midwest, twin engine plane missing in the mountains of Utah, Governors flying to Argentina to bang someone that isn't the Governor's wife, or Tony Romo breaking up with Jessica Simpson... that kind of thing.

Today, CNN's breaking news story is the Michael Jackson video of his hair catching fire.

Holy shit. This is breaking news? A 1989 video of a Pepsi commercial shoot where Jackson's hair catches fire is breaking news? Have we stooped so low as a stumbling, demented, star-stalking nation that a 25 year-old video of a dead person suddenly surfacing is now classified as breaking news?

I suppose the network responsible for putting Nancy Grace on television shouldn't be held to higher standards, but to term this as relevant from a news perspective is simply wrong. This should be left to the TMZ's and E! networks of the world. Not CNN.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

And this was a good idea when?

Today at the office, I heard a co-worker laugh at loud. Within 10 seconds, Jamie forwarded to me a shot that her friend had taken while "dining" at Panda Express.

No doubt about it, Ling Ling digs the cock... Seriously, is this a misguided attempt to outdo the brilliant "Eat mor chickin" campaign by Chick-fil-A? It doesn't work. On quite a few levels.

Seriously, which brainiac at PE HQ said, "Let's have a Panda Bear licking his chops with a thought bubble containing 'I heart cock'"?

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Fargin' Iceholes

Hardee's, one of America's beacons of culinary health, has just released Biscuit Holes. In a nutshell (ooh, that was good), it's dough rolled in cinnamon and sugar and served with icing. In a press release, Brad Haley, Hardee's exec VP of marketing, says, "They really are irresistible, and it's almost impossible to eat just one." Don't forget to tip those bartenders and waitresses...

Wow, Brad. Didn't see that one coming. I wonder what Executive Vice President, Marketing, Biscuit Hole Division, Hardee's pays. Maybe I should apply.

Regardless, check out the teaser from Mendelsohn Zien Advertising, Los Angeles:

Monday, June 22, 2009

Thanking the Academy

Today I learned that I'd won a contest through Compendium (blogging software) while blogging on behalf of my work. I didn't even realize there was a contest (nor do I know what I've "won"), but that's beside the point.

To trumpet this stunning accomplishment, I've developed my "acceptance" speech:

I consider this a victory for all of us – and could not have done this without you, the little people. And now, I’d like to thank Sister Mary Hippopotamus, my sixth grade English teacher at Our Lady of the Hurting Heart, for believing in me... To mom and dad: I’m glad the two of you met. Thanks to Playboy and Penthouse magazines for inspiration.

Profound thanks to all of my sponsors: Costco, Kerasotes Theatres, Pepsi, Steak ‘n Shake (how 'bout that chili!), Kellogg’s Pop Tarts, Buddig Beef, Slim Jim, The entire Gummi family: Gummi worms, Gummi bears and coming soon, Gummi ducks. To Spree, SweetTarts, Reeses’ Peanut Butter Cups... you guys are the best! To Anheuser-Busch: beer me!

To the NFL and specifically the Chicago/St. Louis/Phoenix/Arizona Cardinals... thanks for the years of being there (and elsewhere) for me. To Nissan for the car. And Mac for the unbelievable computers. Intel inside!  Yeah!! To Post-Its – thanks for the cool colors. To x-acto blades: stay sharp. To the iPhone... What can be said that hasn't been said? Of course, a lot. But, you kick ass anyway., XBox360, (what, offend me? no way), Madden NFL, most 70's hard rock and 80's heavy metal bands (not Stryper), Iron Maiden, Ronnie James Dio... a profound thanks. You rock! HBO on Sunday nights: so many memories. Bring back Rome, OK?! To DirecTV; fifteen years!! You did it! The NFL Network. NHL Network... SpeedTV...thanks. The Office, 30 Rock. Family Guy... keep it coming! 

To all the software designers and know who you are, don't you? PowerPoint, InDesign, Entourage, PhotoShop, Acrobat...the entire Adobe suite of products: muchos gracias. Whoever invented spell check – thnak you vrey munch. 

To Sharon Osbourne: free Ozzy. A big no thank you to HLN – Nancy Grace: you are a phony who feasts on society's bottom feeders. Go pound sand up your ass. To Carrot Top: ____.  To MTV: remember the "M" is for music, m'kay? To the Republican party: surprise! You might want to get your shit in a pile. 2012 will be here. Will you? And, to my beloved Quebec Nordiques, RIP.

Finally, to the people I’ve stepped on during my lifetime of incredible achievement(s), I offer an apologetic "oops." To those I’ll step on in the future – please move to your right.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Another one (or two) bite the dust

“Two of the most powerful names in wealth management have joined forces to create a new industry leader.” That's the intro found on the website for the latest corporate monstrosity, Morgan Stanley Smith BarneyIt continues, “In a financial world that’s being remade, Morgan Stanley’s global wealth management business and Smith Barney have joined forces to offer you thinking and resources to fit the times.” 

Translation: “We're fucked and had to merge resources. This sucks less than our other options...”  

Friday, June 19, 2009

Because it doesn't belong in a Rolodex...

Here's a funny satire with a guy bragging about his expensive business card while goofing on everyday, normal cards. I love the actor in this and some of the lines are brilliant ("looks like crap... it is crap")

Please watch the clip and then read the comments below from the YouTube link. I've kept the misspellings, incorrect sentence structure and lack of coherent thought intact for maximum realism: 
  • i would throw it away, it doesnt fit in my wallet, im not gonna hold onto it and just carry it around, its inconvenient, i would just get rid of it immediately
  • How many ways can you say douche bag?
  • This guy has some good points, but I wonder how he builds crowds "guaranteed" if people don't like him?
  • Highly efficient people like this often have a lot of money and few real friends...
  • His card is one of the most impressive looking business cards I've seen. The first impression is the most important in a business. He talks like a crazy dude, but he said it himself "even if they don't like you, they won't throw it out"
  • I guarantee I can do a b-card faster than 25 years pal...that's for sure!
  • lol douche... 25 freaking years... in that time you could make a hologram card dammit
  • That would not be considered a business card that is a flyer... but a great flyer indeed sir!
  • My business card is cooler than this, and more memorable. It came to me instantaneously. Also, this feller's business card doesn't fit in a card book, and because it looks more like a flier than a card, I'd be more apt to chuck it. Plus, I don't like the guy. Business is about relationships, and this guy instantly makes me want to wash my hands.
For now, I will assume most of these ass-clowns believe the WWF is sport, the Simpsons is a documentary set in Springfield, Illinois, and the phone company had JFK whacked. Because knowing these people also drive, vote and can legally carry guns scares the shit out of me...

Update: I have located the cute baby...

In an earlier post, I'd mentioned my inability to locate a cute baby in the picture tagged cute baby girl with pigtails sitting in wicker sleigh

With a little help from Photoshop, I've now made her cute. However, the revised description should now read: cute baby girl with pigtails, stubby fingers and no legs, helplessly stuffed inside wicker sleigh.

It was funny then...

I've always followed the career of a fantastic graphic designer, Jerry Herring (Herring Design, Houston), in part because of a close connection to a family friend, but also because of Jerry's terrific sense of humor.  

One of Herring Design's many memorable self promotions is now a part of the American Institute of Graphic Arts permanent collection – a brochure of Stock Trademarks sent out to friends, clients and prospects in 1975. 

At that time, this was a brilliant concept: "Are you in need of a dynamic new image... but you are hesitant to act because of the expense and uncertainty of selecting an image... that is precisely why [we have] produced this collection... [These] are not only inexpensive, but can be used for almost any company... All the designs are available in black, green and blue. A few are available in red. Allow 2-3 weeks for delivery"

A sample for your pleasure, the Arrow Trademark (please note: Specify whether going straight up or to the right):

Other offerings included a star (perfect for those doing movie, government or occult work. Special clearance needed to do red) and a crest (especially good for new restaurants in need of a long history). 

Herring immediately knew he was onto something when he began receiving calls specific to pricing... 

Fast forward to today and online offerings for "entire brand packages" from $99 and it's painfully obvious that Herring was ahead of his time. Only now, it isn't nearly as funny.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Breaking news: people die...

The Swine Flu over-reaction is now reaching unprecedented levels. I am continually amazed (well, not really anymore) at our government’s total over-reaction regarding the recent H1N1 scare. My initial thought when there had been only one (1) reported death that the response by media and government alike was akin to calling in the National Guard for someone burning leaves in a suburban backyard. That was May 11th.

Of note (and you’d think that any respected news organization would report this both before and after any mention of H1N1), roughly 30,000 Americans die every year from “regular” flu. It’s life: you might get sick and – depending on your immune system, level of health, and degree of care – there is a possibility that with any illness your body could fail. 

I'd be willing to bet that, statistically in the US, more people named Smith will die in car crashes on Tuesdays in Arkansas than from the swine flu this year. Yet, nearly eight weeks after the initial tidal wave of hype and over-reaction, the story still remains a top news item – although I must admit the death toll has risen to an "astronomical" 160 (worldwide). 

Hmmm... maybe I should wash my hands...

TLA talk

Today at the office, I received an email asking my input regarding some marketing initiatives we are doing specific to our own blogging. Among the items for review was the CTA.

Now, I'm fairly versed in TLA's (three letter acronyms). I'm cool with the meanings of a variety of top of mind (TOM) TLAs: ABC, CBS, CBC, NBC, QVC, HBO, CNN, TBS, TNT, IRL, IRA, CSS, CSX, DCC, DOA, ETA, VHS, VHC, DNA, DND, DNS, DSL, ENT, DFW, LAX, IND, ORL, FFA, FOP, FPO, FSA, TSA, FTP, RAM, ROM, GIF, JPG, TIF, DOC, PDF, PNG, HMO, HIV, PAC, ISP, KFC, KKK, LED, MBA, MBE, MGD, MIT, NEC, NPR, NWA, NOW, NYC, PMA, PMS, TLC, PSP, POW, MIA, SOS, JFK, MLK, FDR, FBI, CIA, MIA, FCC, FDA, DNC, RNC, NBA, NFL, NHL, CHL, IHL, MLB, MLS, PGA, PBA, ESP, SAT, SBC, SNL, STD, SUV, TBA, DND, UHF, VHF, UFO, USO, URL, USD, UPC, WTC, WWF (x2), WWW, WHO... and maybe another one or two (hundred).

But, with CTA I had met my match. My mind raced. Options seemed everywhere, but its true meaning eluded me. I thought perhaps customer tracking analysis or corporate training availability or critical task anomaly or ... I finally gave up. 

Oh, the answer? Call to action. I then remembered one more... WTF?

Yeah... uh, cow.

Here's an instant classic about vendor/client relationships from locally based Scofield Editorial here in Indianapolis. If it didn't hit so damned close to home, I'd really think it's funny. As it is, the truth hurts too much... 

Sir, you had the filet: "Yeah...uh, cow."

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Hairy fire engines and other things that suck

One of my all time favorite humor pages grades artwork done by children on an A through F scale. I love it. Check it out here. Below is a sample picture and critique...

Ding Ding! Here comes the shit-mobile. I've never seen a fire truck that needed to be shaved. I would rather be burned to death than be saved by this hairy piece of shit. F

Time for a caption contest

Special thanks to Kristen at the office for this beauty. Yet another photo of a woman holding a jumbo pink banana squash in one arm and a miniature schnauzer in the other. OK. Time for a caption contest. Here are some possibilities. Your mileage may vary:
“Damn, Toto...we ARE still in Kansas.” 
“Find ten – to twenty – things wrong with this picture.” 
“No, I said make it a Bud Light...” 
“Just another photo of a woman holding a jumbo pink banana squash in one arm surrounded by a collection of gay ass pillows.” 
“Trailer Park Women: the Babes of Wonkville, Kentucky” 
“Is that a jumbo pink banana squash? I’m sure hoping that’s a jumbo pink banana squash.” 
“When Total Home Makeover Goes Bad.” 
“Looks like the dude in Harry Potter has fallen on hard times...” 
“No, no... the curtains look good.” 
“Interior decorating mantra #3: to reduce clutter, integrate vertical stripes.” 
“Oh, Schnotzzy – did you make a stinky?” 
“I am smiling.”

Redefining cute

As a designer, there are occasions when we need to use stock photography. (Please don't tell the real photographers; they're still in denial and are convinced stock is a fad – like computers.) 

When searching for stock images, it's critical that the image description matches the attributes of the photo. If, for example, you type in "strawberry shortcake" your search results would be filled with pictures of strawberries. And probably shortcake.

So, when I searched for "cute baby" I was waiting for pictures of cute babies. Well, the following photo came up with the following (more in depth) description: cute baby girl with pigtails sitting in wicker sleigh

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Holy shit...While I acknowledge there is a wicker sleigh (and a pair pigtails), to date I've located exactly zero cute babies in this picture. Unless Webster changed the description of cute to “breathtakingly odd looking”...

Well, that takes balls

You must hand it to one Erik Anthony Slye of Belgrade, Montana. In his signed affidavit requesting excuse from jury service for Judge John Brown's court, the eloquent and thought provoking Mr. Slye writes the following:
Apparently you morons didn't understand me the first time. I CANNOT take time off from work. I'm not putting my familys (sic) well being at stake to participate in this crap. I don't believe in our "justice" system and I don't want to have a goddam thing to do with it. Jury duty is a complete waste of time. I would rather count the wrinkles on my dogs ball than sit on a jury. Get it through your thick skulls. Leave me the f__k alone.
Um. Yeah... I'm a little concerned with our justice system myself, but, uh... I'll just keep my thoughts to myself, thank you. 

Friday, March 13, 2009

Just keeping it Réal...

When I was 10, I wanted a different name. Steve Nealy seemed so...normal. Since Alice Cooper and Leif Garrett were already taken, I wanted something even cooler. At my first pro hockey game in '75, the definition of holy-shit-name-coolness hit me like a two ton heavy thing: Réal Cloutier of the Quebec Nordiques.

(True story: I thought they were the "Nordi-cues" until their first goal was announced: "Quebec goal by Real Cloutier. Assisted by Mario Tremblay and Marc Tardif. Time of the Nordiques goal..." I believe Nordique is Canadian for "bacon-chugging greaseball", but they did have cool unis.)

Pronounced ReeAl ClooCheeAy, it was perfect. Who wouldn't want to be Réal Cloutier? If your name is Réal Cloutier, you could do anything. Better yet, you could get ANY chick. Immediately, I began plans to become Central Indiana's only Réal Cloutier. Before I could fully investigate my re-naming process (period two of the hockey game), my soon-to-be-awesomeness was dealt a fatal blow: I found out his nickname was Buddy.

WTF? Buddy? Buddy Cloutier? How could someone with a name that defined cool, be down with Buddy?

No doubt, the name makes the man. Just look at pop culture. It's Bond... James Bond, not, Bond... Timmy Bond. Rambo was John Rambo, not Bruce Rambo. Chuck Norris is Chuck Fucking Norris, OK? (Chuck's given name is actually Carlos Ray Norris, but pity the first cat that told him "Carlos seems kind of gay".) In all seriousness, Kip Winger is a badass musician, but his career wouldn't have been gunned down on MTV by Beavis and Butthead if his name wasn't Kip. You just can't defend Kip as a cool name. Nor could I be down with being Buddy Anything.

So I learned a very important lesson at a young age: maybe being Steve Nealy isn't all that bad.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

An oldie, but a goodie

Years ago I caught an Emo Phillips routine about religion. For those not familiar with Emo Phillips, he is to freaky what Octomom is to annoying. However, his religion bit was a classic. I bring you the transcript:
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said 'Stop! don't do it!'

'Why shouldn't I?' he said.

I said, 'Well, there's so much to live for!'

He said, 'Like what?'

I said, 'Well...are you religious or atheist?'

He said, 'Religious.'

I said, 'Me too!

Are you Christian or Buddhist?'

He said, 'Christian.'

I said, 'Me too!

Are you Catholic or Protestant?'

He said, 'Protestant.'

I said, 'Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?'

He said, 'Baptist!'

I said, 'Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?'

He said, 'Baptist Church of God!'

I said, 'Me too! Are you ori
ginal Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?'

He said, 'Reformed Baptist Church of God!'

I said, 'Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?'

He said, 'Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!'

I said, 'Die, heretic scum,' and pushed him off.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Glad that's been clarified

Last night, the kids were both staying with friends so my wife and I decided to go to Fresh Market, pick up some salad, steaks, perfect potatoes...and prepare a great meal at home. Relaxing. Yummy.

After dinner, we decided to see if there was anything interesting on one the 7,264 channels through DirecTV. Some of our favorite series are on HBO, and now and again, I don't mind re-watching shows - particularly funny stuff like Flight of the Conchords or Larry David.

Long story short, I kept flipping through the channels to find a show to watch. Nothing of interest on HBO. More flipping...nothing really on Showtime. Continue randomly flipping through channel after channel of nothingness, past .7 second snippets of Hip Hop ab commercials and Sports Illustrated TV offers (BTW, I see the Steelers "just won" the SuperBowl. Memo to Sports Illustrated: the 218 remaining Steeler fans that have not purchased your rag from these post-SB offers have their reasons. They either can't read, or are waiting for their tax check for the cash. Either way, lighten up on the media buy).

By continuing my channel march through every possible option, some interesting pay per view opportunities came up. Things like Slutty Bunny 5 (which was clearly out as we'd be lost since we've not seen Slutty Bunny 1, 2, 3 or 4). With the on screen guide, you can actually read the show synopsis, which really came in handy. Example movie title; Spring Break: Horny College Beach Sluts. Description: 4 horny college sluts doing it all on the beach during Spring Break.

Unfortunately, after a plot spoiler like that, there was no need to order.

Friday, February 27, 2009

I think someone is in trouble

Far be it for me to judge another guy's issues, but I think this Steven cat has some explaining to do. Do you think it's possible that Emily is jumping the gun? There could be a perfect explanation for (most of) this. Perhaps it was a hoax a la Candid Camera. Or, maybe, someone is about to be Punk'd...

Nah. I think Steven is hosed...

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Defining humor

Humor is good. It's tough to argue with that. But, it's tough to define what is humorous. Some people think I'm funny. But, some people also think Carrot Top is funny. Certainly, no one that I know... but I'm sure they are out there.

Disclaimer: I really do not have it in for Carrot Top; I simply don't like his name. If I were a short person, I'd probably think someone with a name like "Midget Dave" was an ass...

Taste is another thing that's tough to establish parameters. I love "tasteless" humor. Always have. No one dies, no one gets hurt... I grew up on t-shirts from the 70s (man, I miss the 70s) like "I nuke gay whales for Christ" and "Do unto others, then split.". Today, tshirthell is my kind of place. Where else could you get a My Native American Name is Steve shirt? I suppose it's not as funny if you're name isn't Steve, each his own.

Bottom line, if you'd rather be snorting coke off a hooker's ass, proving your allegiance to white flour (no, not white power), or simply wonder What Would Jesus Do (for a Klondike Bar) you need to click here.

Who thinks of these things?

Last night, my wife and I enjoyed an evening out with friends at a Pacers game. While the basketball was mediocre (remember: it was an NBA game), we all had a good time. I thought I spotted Dr. Ruth on the Jumbotron, but it may have just been an old person...

As a member of the human race and someone that enjoys observing others of our species making total twits of themselves hoping to see themselves "on TV", it's always amusing to check out the depths some will go for free shit, like banana shaped stress balls with an oil company logo... or, a t-shirt.

Yet, last night it wasn't the nutjobs spilling their $7.50 Coors Lights for medium white Hanes Pacers tees that caught my attention. Instead, I was mesmerized by the t-shirt gun that fires the aforementioned beefy tees with enough average velocity to kill a small mammal from 40 yards away.

T-shirt gun? What a concept. Next thought: who thinks of this shit? Seriously, who thinks to themselves: "I must develop a gun that needs no bullets, only a folded cotton t-shirt as ammunition"? Was there a market needs analysis for "a big ass hand-held pneumatic triggered bazooka that launches t-shirts into crowds"? I'm both fascinated – and disturbed. 

Well, I'll tell you who: the same guy that decided launching a mere 4 or 5 t-shirts during timeouts was for pussies. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the SABRE, "the world's first and only rapid loading and firing t-shirt cannon." Available online through (where else?):

A semi-automatic t-shirt blaster? Wish I'd thought of that. 

I wonder if anyone is developing a laser-guided scope? 

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Corporate speak at its worst

Today, I was forwarded a job posting that a colleague of mine received in one of his Linkedin groups. Who knows, maybe this is up your alley:
VP of Sales Opportunity in NorCal or SoCal
I am looking for an energetic and focused senior executive with extensive management experienced in sales and the IP communications industry. Proven record for conceptualizing and successfully implementing successful sales teams and managing profitable growth. Recognized for strong organization and communication skills and enjoys reputation for keen sense of urgency. In this role, you will focus your considerable business acumen and energy on providing inspirational leadership and strategic direction to realign and refocus a dynamic, customer-focused sales organization, while developing and executing initiatives to maximize both sales and service revenue objectives.
Full P&L responsibility and revenue responsibility for $45M Area including $37M in Product and Managed Services Sales. Management responsibility for team of Sales Directors, Engineering Manager, Sales Representatives, and Sales Engineers. Matrix management responsibility for service and managed service sales specialists.
My take? Hey, where do I apply? Seriously, this is too easy. Yet, prior to my eyes turning to stone, here’s what I picked up:

VP of Sales Opportunity WTF?? If all he wants is opportunity, I know someone here, right within this very office that is your man. Secondly, thankfully he added the “r” to make it “NorCal”. Clearly, a better (more northern, I’ll assume) place than the standard NoCal. Strike One.

I (YOU? Are you not a “forward-looking Company”, or is it you and your team of underlings working in your jammies out of a rented basement?). Should be “We are” or “My company is”... Strike two.

Blah, blah, yanking on my verbal ineptitude, blah, blah, blah...then he strikes gold: “...successfully implementing successful sales teams...” Stop right there. You either successfully implement sales teams OR implement successful sales teams. Two successes don’t make a success. Either way, he’s a douche posing as a “competent person possessing incompetent tendencies”. Strike three.

...enjoys reputation for keen sense of urgency... Oh, please someone kill me. Who in their right mind could write that? WHO? Worse, who in the fuck would read that and go...”holy shit, this is like it’s written for ME...I was just recognized by my peers as being keenly urgent.” will focus your considerable business acumen and energy ...realign and refocus a dynamic, customer-focused sales organization... maximize both sales and service revenue objectives? Umm, no I won’t, not me. Fuck you.

Then something to which I could almost relate popped up: Matrix management responsibility: I’m down. I’ve not seen Matrix, but I do like to blow up shit. And, after reading this, kill people. I could be responsible for that.

So, again, where do I apply?

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Touched by the Noodly Appendage?

What would the Flying Spaghetti Monster do? It's a question that has baffled people for ... months and months.

All I know is: let's not piss off the noodly appendage, OK?  For a good laugh (be sure to check out the hate mail), go to the site

The genius of Kliban

Recently I stumbled upon Steven Heller's blog where he was praising the genius of B. Kliban. You may remember Kliban from his famous calendars and cat cartoons. With a little research, I've now discovered the brilliance of Kliban's wicked mind. And, coupled with the fact that Kliban did most of his work in the 1960s and 1970s, he certainly pre-dated Gary Larson's more universally appreciated (or at least acknowledged) The Far Side

In the event you cannot read the balloon text for the second cartoon: "I'll have the gazpacho, leeks vinaigrette with shrimp, marinated zucchini, orange mousse, a bottle of Cotes du Rhone Rouge '59. And bring some shit for my fly."

Additional Kliban cartoons can be found here.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Things that suck – an (almost) abbreviated list

A week or so back at the office, in a moment (hour plus) or so of weakness, I decided my duty was to manufacture a much-needed laugh. So, I forwarded a list of things that suck to a few colleagues. 

I now know I was on to something. In fact, this could be bigger than sudoku... Soon, the ideas were flowing in a back/forth frenzy. See for yourself how liberating and easy it is to point out random things that suck. Feel free to add your suckage to my partial (and growing) list.

In no order, things that suck:
. vacuums
. our economy
. the world economy 
. the 2008 Detroit Lions 
. any movie featuring Carrot Top
. building a 2 cycle engine from scratch using only a hammer and flypaper
. estimating taxes
. death by toothpicking
. corporate speak (Example: "assembling a cross-functioning, multi-disciplined team to create synergies across multiple platforms...")
. Carrot Top (I really don't like that dude)
. the gooey cheesy shit from a can at Taco Bell
. getting bit by a m*****f****** deer, thus the need for a bambalance
. caulking anything
. stigmata
. pre-meetings to discuss strategies for the actual meeting (WTF...)
. walking into a spider web
. recent MBA graduates in their mid-twenties that actually believe they understand business
. Notre Dame football fans (they aren't even the best team in Indiana. Get over it)
. Ticketmaster 
. Live Nation
. Ticketmaster and Live Nation merging...we're fucked now
. acronyms
. people who think the new Pepsi logo is a rip off of the Obama campaign logo (seriously?)
. wind chill factors below 60° F
. taking the trash out
. taking the trash out and then having the trash guys not show up...
. non-leap years
. air travel post 9/11; terrorists 1, freedom 0 (7 years later, I can't carry a Pepsi through security? We've officially jumped the shark as a nation.)
. Tuesdays and Thursdays (odd years only)
. Nancy Grace 
. death pools that don't have Steven Adler from Guns 'n Roses (good drummer, tortured soul)
. people that see the Virgin Mary in English muffins (or Elvis at Starbucks)
. the font Comic Sans
. the NCAA (so you got rid of an Indian mascot. Nice job, you self righteous tools) 
. Xcel spreadsheets as a communication tool. You're kidding, right? 
. turtles (true confession: I love all living things. Aside from turtles)
. dark chocolate 
. earthquakes
. professional athletes who've forgotten that it is all about the fan
. hecklers at amateur sporting events 
. hecklers at pro sporting events 
. politicians who sell their votes to lobbyists... of course, that doesn't happen in America
. the Republican strategy in the 2008 election. 
. smog
. pop up ads
. ED advertisements. I like the NFL but don't want to explain erectile disfunction to my 8 year old daughter simply because the Cardinals are on DirecTV.
. TV shows about hunting: BAM. Nice work, now own a "former deer".
. penis enlargement emails. Can't wait until they make TV ads...
. phishing
. fishing
. I'll simplify: reality TV sucks, period.
. Larry King interviewing anyone associated with the Casey Anthony case.
. The Bounty Hunter and his 'tarded band of bro's... Christ, we are dying as a country, aren't we?
. 2am phone calls for "Umm, Shanequa?" No. Wrong number (asshole)
. 2:02am phone calls. "Is Shanequa back, yet?"
. Gene Simmons. You get laid. Alot. We get it. Now, shut up.
. the wacko fans of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. He is to his daddy what Kyle Petty is to the King. Comprende?
. Pittsburgh Steelers helmets. Just one logo? 
. Cleveland Browns helmets. Not even as good as Pittsburgh's...
. American Idol. 
. speed traps.
. any beer that suggests you add a wedge of fruit...
. casseroles. The sum is not always better than the parts.
. ordering a steak rare. At least make the bleeding stop before you chew
. Carrot Top. Did I mention Carrot Top? Still don't like the Carrot Top...

I could go on, but adding to this list sucks.

Welcome to the show

It's been quite awhile, but it's time for me to begin my personal blog. It's therapy for me. Hopefully, it'll spark an idea or, better yet, a reply from you. 

To quote fashion trendspotter Li Edelkroot,
"People think I am some mystic or gypsy. But what I really do is pay attention. Then I have the nerve to say what I believe."

To me, that sums it up perfectly.