Friday, February 27, 2009

I think someone is in trouble

Far be it for me to judge another guy's issues, but I think this Steven cat has some explaining to do. Do you think it's possible that Emily is jumping the gun? There could be a perfect explanation for (most of) this. Perhaps it was a hoax a la Candid Camera. Or, maybe, someone is about to be Punk'd...

Nah. I think Steven is hosed...

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Defining humor

Humor is good. It's tough to argue with that. But, it's tough to define what is humorous. Some people think I'm funny. But, some people also think Carrot Top is funny. Certainly, no one that I know... but I'm sure they are out there.

Disclaimer: I really do not have it in for Carrot Top; I simply don't like his name. If I were a short person, I'd probably think someone with a name like "Midget Dave" was an ass...

Taste is another thing that's tough to establish parameters. I love "tasteless" humor. Always have. No one dies, no one gets hurt... I grew up on t-shirts from the 70s (man, I miss the 70s) like "I nuke gay whales for Christ" and "Do unto others, then split.". Today, tshirthell is my kind of place. Where else could you get a My Native American Name is Steve shirt? I suppose it's not as funny if you're name isn't Steve, each his own.

Bottom line, if you'd rather be snorting coke off a hooker's ass, proving your allegiance to white flour (no, not white power), or simply wonder What Would Jesus Do (for a Klondike Bar) you need to click here.

Who thinks of these things?

Last night, my wife and I enjoyed an evening out with friends at a Pacers game. While the basketball was mediocre (remember: it was an NBA game), we all had a good time. I thought I spotted Dr. Ruth on the Jumbotron, but it may have just been an old person...

As a member of the human race and someone that enjoys observing others of our species making total twits of themselves hoping to see themselves "on TV", it's always amusing to check out the depths some will go for free shit, like banana shaped stress balls with an oil company logo... or, a t-shirt.

Yet, last night it wasn't the nutjobs spilling their $7.50 Coors Lights for medium white Hanes Pacers tees that caught my attention. Instead, I was mesmerized by the t-shirt gun that fires the aforementioned beefy tees with enough average velocity to kill a small mammal from 40 yards away.

T-shirt gun? What a concept. Next thought: who thinks of this shit? Seriously, who thinks to themselves: "I must develop a gun that needs no bullets, only a folded cotton t-shirt as ammunition"? Was there a market needs analysis for "a big ass hand-held pneumatic triggered bazooka that launches t-shirts into crowds"? I'm both fascinated – and disturbed. 

Well, I'll tell you who: the same guy that decided launching a mere 4 or 5 t-shirts during timeouts was for pussies. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the SABRE, "the world's first and only rapid loading and firing t-shirt cannon." Available online through (where else?):

A semi-automatic t-shirt blaster? Wish I'd thought of that. 

I wonder if anyone is developing a laser-guided scope? 

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Corporate speak at its worst

Today, I was forwarded a job posting that a colleague of mine received in one of his Linkedin groups. Who knows, maybe this is up your alley:
VP of Sales Opportunity in NorCal or SoCal
I am looking for an energetic and focused senior executive with extensive management experienced in sales and the IP communications industry. Proven record for conceptualizing and successfully implementing successful sales teams and managing profitable growth. Recognized for strong organization and communication skills and enjoys reputation for keen sense of urgency. In this role, you will focus your considerable business acumen and energy on providing inspirational leadership and strategic direction to realign and refocus a dynamic, customer-focused sales organization, while developing and executing initiatives to maximize both sales and service revenue objectives.
Full P&L responsibility and revenue responsibility for $45M Area including $37M in Product and Managed Services Sales. Management responsibility for team of Sales Directors, Engineering Manager, Sales Representatives, and Sales Engineers. Matrix management responsibility for service and managed service sales specialists.
My take? Hey, where do I apply? Seriously, this is too easy. Yet, prior to my eyes turning to stone, here’s what I picked up:

VP of Sales Opportunity WTF?? If all he wants is opportunity, I know someone here, right within this very office that is your man. Secondly, thankfully he added the “r” to make it “NorCal”. Clearly, a better (more northern, I’ll assume) place than the standard NoCal. Strike One.

I (YOU? Are you not a “forward-looking Company”, or is it you and your team of underlings working in your jammies out of a rented basement?). Should be “We are” or “My company is”... Strike two.

Blah, blah, yanking on my verbal ineptitude, blah, blah, blah...then he strikes gold: “...successfully implementing successful sales teams...” Stop right there. You either successfully implement sales teams OR implement successful sales teams. Two successes don’t make a success. Either way, he’s a douche posing as a “competent person possessing incompetent tendencies”. Strike three.

...enjoys reputation for keen sense of urgency... Oh, please someone kill me. Who in their right mind could write that? WHO? Worse, who in the fuck would read that and go...”holy shit, this is like it’s written for ME...I was just recognized by my peers as being keenly urgent.” will focus your considerable business acumen and energy ...realign and refocus a dynamic, customer-focused sales organization... maximize both sales and service revenue objectives? Umm, no I won’t, not me. Fuck you.

Then something to which I could almost relate popped up: Matrix management responsibility: I’m down. I’ve not seen Matrix, but I do like to blow up shit. And, after reading this, kill people. I could be responsible for that.

So, again, where do I apply?

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Touched by the Noodly Appendage?

What would the Flying Spaghetti Monster do? It's a question that has baffled people for ... months and months.

All I know is: let's not piss off the noodly appendage, OK?  For a good laugh (be sure to check out the hate mail), go to the site

The genius of Kliban

Recently I stumbled upon Steven Heller's blog where he was praising the genius of B. Kliban. You may remember Kliban from his famous calendars and cat cartoons. With a little research, I've now discovered the brilliance of Kliban's wicked mind. And, coupled with the fact that Kliban did most of his work in the 1960s and 1970s, he certainly pre-dated Gary Larson's more universally appreciated (or at least acknowledged) The Far Side

In the event you cannot read the balloon text for the second cartoon: "I'll have the gazpacho, leeks vinaigrette with shrimp, marinated zucchini, orange mousse, a bottle of Cotes du Rhone Rouge '59. And bring some shit for my fly."

Additional Kliban cartoons can be found here.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Things that suck – an (almost) abbreviated list

A week or so back at the office, in a moment (hour plus) or so of weakness, I decided my duty was to manufacture a much-needed laugh. So, I forwarded a list of things that suck to a few colleagues. 

I now know I was on to something. In fact, this could be bigger than sudoku... Soon, the ideas were flowing in a back/forth frenzy. See for yourself how liberating and easy it is to point out random things that suck. Feel free to add your suckage to my partial (and growing) list.

In no order, things that suck:
. vacuums
. our economy
. the world economy 
. the 2008 Detroit Lions 
. any movie featuring Carrot Top
. building a 2 cycle engine from scratch using only a hammer and flypaper
. estimating taxes
. death by toothpicking
. corporate speak (Example: "assembling a cross-functioning, multi-disciplined team to create synergies across multiple platforms...")
. Carrot Top (I really don't like that dude)
. the gooey cheesy shit from a can at Taco Bell
. getting bit by a m*****f****** deer, thus the need for a bambalance
. caulking anything
. stigmata
. pre-meetings to discuss strategies for the actual meeting (WTF...)
. walking into a spider web
. recent MBA graduates in their mid-twenties that actually believe they understand business
. Notre Dame football fans (they aren't even the best team in Indiana. Get over it)
. Ticketmaster 
. Live Nation
. Ticketmaster and Live Nation merging...we're fucked now
. acronyms
. people who think the new Pepsi logo is a rip off of the Obama campaign logo (seriously?)
. wind chill factors below 60° F
. taking the trash out
. taking the trash out and then having the trash guys not show up...
. non-leap years
. air travel post 9/11; terrorists 1, freedom 0 (7 years later, I can't carry a Pepsi through security? We've officially jumped the shark as a nation.)
. Tuesdays and Thursdays (odd years only)
. Nancy Grace 
. death pools that don't have Steven Adler from Guns 'n Roses (good drummer, tortured soul)
. people that see the Virgin Mary in English muffins (or Elvis at Starbucks)
. the font Comic Sans
. the NCAA (so you got rid of an Indian mascot. Nice job, you self righteous tools) 
. Xcel spreadsheets as a communication tool. You're kidding, right? 
. turtles (true confession: I love all living things. Aside from turtles)
. dark chocolate 
. earthquakes
. professional athletes who've forgotten that it is all about the fan
. hecklers at amateur sporting events 
. hecklers at pro sporting events 
. politicians who sell their votes to lobbyists... of course, that doesn't happen in America
. the Republican strategy in the 2008 election. 
. smog
. pop up ads
. ED advertisements. I like the NFL but don't want to explain erectile disfunction to my 8 year old daughter simply because the Cardinals are on DirecTV.
. TV shows about hunting: BAM. Nice work, now own a "former deer".
. penis enlargement emails. Can't wait until they make TV ads...
. phishing
. fishing
. I'll simplify: reality TV sucks, period.
. Larry King interviewing anyone associated with the Casey Anthony case.
. The Bounty Hunter and his 'tarded band of bro's... Christ, we are dying as a country, aren't we?
. 2am phone calls for "Umm, Shanequa?" No. Wrong number (asshole)
. 2:02am phone calls. "Is Shanequa back, yet?"
. Gene Simmons. You get laid. Alot. We get it. Now, shut up.
. the wacko fans of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. He is to his daddy what Kyle Petty is to the King. Comprende?
. Pittsburgh Steelers helmets. Just one logo? 
. Cleveland Browns helmets. Not even as good as Pittsburgh's...
. American Idol. 
. speed traps.
. any beer that suggests you add a wedge of fruit...
. casseroles. The sum is not always better than the parts.
. ordering a steak rare. At least make the bleeding stop before you chew
. Carrot Top. Did I mention Carrot Top? Still don't like the Carrot Top...

I could go on, but adding to this list sucks.

Welcome to the show

It's been quite awhile, but it's time for me to begin my personal blog. It's therapy for me. Hopefully, it'll spark an idea or, better yet, a reply from you. 

To quote fashion trendspotter Li Edelkroot,
"People think I am some mystic or gypsy. But what I really do is pay attention. Then I have the nerve to say what I believe."

To me, that sums it up perfectly.