Friday, March 13, 2009

Just keeping it Réal...

When I was 10, I wanted a different name. Steve Nealy seemed so...normal. Since Alice Cooper and Leif Garrett were already taken, I wanted something even cooler. At my first pro hockey game in '75, the definition of holy-shit-name-coolness hit me like a two ton heavy thing: Réal Cloutier of the Quebec Nordiques.

(True story: I thought they were the "Nordi-cues" until their first goal was announced: "Quebec goal by Real Cloutier. Assisted by Mario Tremblay and Marc Tardif. Time of the Nordiques goal..." I believe Nordique is Canadian for "bacon-chugging greaseball", but they did have cool unis.)

Pronounced ReeAl ClooCheeAy, it was perfect. Who wouldn't want to be Réal Cloutier? If your name is Réal Cloutier, you could do anything. Better yet, you could get ANY chick. Immediately, I began plans to become Central Indiana's only Réal Cloutier. Before I could fully investigate my re-naming process (period two of the hockey game), my soon-to-be-awesomeness was dealt a fatal blow: I found out his nickname was Buddy.

WTF? Buddy? Buddy Cloutier? How could someone with a name that defined cool, be down with Buddy?

No doubt, the name makes the man. Just look at pop culture. It's Bond... James Bond, not, Bond... Timmy Bond. Rambo was John Rambo, not Bruce Rambo. Chuck Norris is Chuck Fucking Norris, OK? (Chuck's given name is actually Carlos Ray Norris, but pity the first cat that told him "Carlos seems kind of gay".) In all seriousness, Kip Winger is a badass musician, but his career wouldn't have been gunned down on MTV by Beavis and Butthead if his name wasn't Kip. You just can't defend Kip as a cool name. Nor could I be down with being Buddy Anything.

So I learned a very important lesson at a young age: maybe being Steve Nealy isn't all that bad.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

An oldie, but a goodie

Years ago I caught an Emo Phillips routine about religion. For those not familiar with Emo Phillips, he is to freaky what Octomom is to annoying. However, his religion bit was a classic. I bring you the transcript:
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said 'Stop! don't do it!'

'Why shouldn't I?' he said.

I said, 'Well, there's so much to live for!'

He said, 'Like what?'

I said, 'Well...are you religious or atheist?'

He said, 'Religious.'

I said, 'Me too!

Are you Christian or Buddhist?'

He said, 'Christian.'

I said, 'Me too!

Are you Catholic or Protestant?'

He said, 'Protestant.'

I said, 'Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?'

He said, 'Baptist!'

I said, 'Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?'

He said, 'Baptist Church of God!'

I said, 'Me too! Are you ori
ginal Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?'

He said, 'Reformed Baptist Church of God!'

I said, 'Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?'

He said, 'Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!'

I said, 'Die, heretic scum,' and pushed him off.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Glad that's been clarified

Last night, the kids were both staying with friends so my wife and I decided to go to Fresh Market, pick up some salad, steaks, perfect potatoes...and prepare a great meal at home. Relaxing. Yummy.

After dinner, we decided to see if there was anything interesting on one the 7,264 channels through DirecTV. Some of our favorite series are on HBO, and now and again, I don't mind re-watching shows - particularly funny stuff like Flight of the Conchords or Larry David.

Long story short, I kept flipping through the channels to find a show to watch. Nothing of interest on HBO. More flipping...nothing really on Showtime. Continue randomly flipping through channel after channel of nothingness, past .7 second snippets of Hip Hop ab commercials and Sports Illustrated TV offers (BTW, I see the Steelers "just won" the SuperBowl. Memo to Sports Illustrated: the 218 remaining Steeler fans that have not purchased your rag from these post-SB offers have their reasons. They either can't read, or are waiting for their tax check for the cash. Either way, lighten up on the media buy).

By continuing my channel march through every possible option, some interesting pay per view opportunities came up. Things like Slutty Bunny 5 (which was clearly out as we'd be lost since we've not seen Slutty Bunny 1, 2, 3 or 4). With the on screen guide, you can actually read the show synopsis, which really came in handy. Example movie title; Spring Break: Horny College Beach Sluts. Description: 4 horny college sluts doing it all on the beach during Spring Break.

Unfortunately, after a plot spoiler like that, there was no need to order.