Thanking the Academy

Today I learned that I'd won a contest through Compendium (blogging software) while blogging on behalf of my work. I didn't even realize there was a contest (nor do I know what I've "won"), but that's beside the point.

To trumpet this stunning accomplishment, I've developed my "acceptance" speech:

I consider this a victory for all of us – and could not have done this without you, the little people. And now, I’d like to thank Sister Mary Hippopotamus, my sixth grade English teacher at Our Lady of the Hurting Heart, for believing in me... To mom and dad: I’m glad the two of you met. Thanks to Playboy and Penthouse magazines for inspiration.

Profound thanks to all of my sponsors: Costco, Kerasotes Theatres, Pepsi, Steak ‘n Shake (how 'bout that chili!), Kellogg’s Pop Tarts, Buddig Beef, Slim Jim, The entire Gummi family: Gummi worms, Gummi bears and coming soon, Gummi ducks. To Spree, SweetTarts, Reeses’ Peanut Butter Cups... you guys are the best! To Anheuser-Busch: beer me!

To the NFL and specifically the Chicago/St. Louis/Phoenix/Arizona Cardinals... thanks for the years of being there (and elsewhere) for me. To Nissan for the car. And Mac for the unbelievable computers. Intel inside!  Yeah!! To Post-Its – thanks for the cool colors. To x-acto blades: stay sharp. To the iPhone... What can be said that hasn't been said? Of course, a lot. But, you kick ass anyway.

ESPN.com, AliceCooper.com, XBox360, www.t-shirthell.com (what, offend me? no way), Madden NFL, most 70's hard rock and 80's heavy metal bands (not Stryper), Iron Maiden, Ronnie James Dio... a profound thanks. You rock! HBO on Sunday nights: so many memories. Bring back Rome, OK?! To DirecTV; fifteen years!! You did it! The NFL Network. NHL Network... SpeedTV...thanks. The Office, 30 Rock. Family Guy... keep it coming! 

To all the software designers and engineers...you know who you are, don't you? PowerPoint, InDesign, Entourage, PhotoShop, Acrobat...the entire Adobe suite of products: muchos gracias. Whoever invented spell check – thnak you vrey munch. 

To Sharon Osbourne: free Ozzy. A big no thank you to HLN – Nancy Grace: you are a phony who feasts on society's bottom feeders. Go pound sand up your ass. To Carrot Top: ____.  To MTV: remember the "M" is for music, m'kay? To the Republican party: surprise! You might want to get your shit in a pile. 2012 will be here. Will you? And, to my beloved Quebec Nordiques, RIP.

Finally, to the people I’ve stepped on during my lifetime of incredible achievement(s), I offer an apologetic "oops." To those I’ll step on in the future – please move to your right.

Things that suck – an (almost) abbreviated list

A week or so back at the office, in a moment (hour plus) or so of weakness, I decided my duty was to manufacture a much-needed laugh. So, I forwarded a list of things that suck to a few colleagues. 

I now know I was on to something. In fact, this could be bigger than sudoku... Soon, the ideas were flowing in a back/forth frenzy. See for yourself how liberating and easy it is to point out random things that suck. Feel free to add your suckage to my partial (and growing) list.

In no order, things that suck:

. vacuums

. our economy

. the world economy 

. the 2008 Detroit Lions 

. any movie featuring Carrot Top

. building a 2 cycle engine from scratch using only a hammer and flypaper

. estimating taxes

. death by toothpicking

. corporate speak (Example: "assembling a cross-functioning, multi-disciplined team to create synergies across multiple platforms...")

. Carrot Top (I really don't like that dude)

. the gooey cheesy shit from a can at Taco Bell

. getting bit by a m*****f****** deer, thus the need for a bambalance

. caulking anything

. stigmata

. pre-meetings to discuss strategies for the actual meeting (WTF...)

. walking into a spider web

. recent MBA graduates in their mid-twenties that actually believe they understand business

. Notre Dame football fans (they aren't even the best team in Indiana. Get over it)

. Ticketmaster 

. Live Nation

. Ticketmaster and Live Nation merging...we're fucked now

. acronyms

. people who think the new Pepsi logo is a rip off of the Obama campaign logo (seriously?)

. wind chill factors below 60° F

. taking the trash out

. taking the trash out and then having the trash guys not show up...

. non-leap years

. air travel post 9/11; terrorists 1, freedom 0 (7 years later, I can't carry a Pepsi through security? We've officially jumped the shark as a nation.)

. Tuesdays and Thursdays (odd years only)

. Nancy Grace 

. death pools that don't have Steven Adler from Guns 'n Roses (good drummer, tortured soul)

. people that see the Virgin Mary in English muffins (or Elvis at Starbucks)

. the font Comic Sans

. the NCAA (so you got rid of an Indian mascot. Nice job, you self righteous tools) 

. Xcel spreadsheets as a communication tool. You're kidding, right? 

. turtles (true confession: I love all living things. Aside from turtles)

. dark chocolate 

. earthquakes

. professional athletes who've forgotten that it is all about the fan

. hecklers at amateur sporting events 

. hecklers at pro sporting events 

. politicians who sell their votes to lobbyists... of course, that doesn't happen in America

. the Republican strategy in the 2008 election. 

. smog

. pop up ads

. ED advertisements. I like the NFL but don't want to explain erectile disfunction to my 8 year old daughter simply because the Cardinals are on DirecTV.

. TV shows about hunting: BAM. Nice work, Buford...you now own a "former deer".

. penis enlargement emails. Can't wait until they make TV ads...

. phishing

. fishing

. I'll simplify: reality TV sucks, period.

. Larry King interviewing anyone associated with the Casey Anthony case.

. The Bounty Hunter and his 'tarded band of bro's... Christ, we are dying as a country, aren't we?

. 2am phone calls for "Umm, Shanequa?" No. Wrong number (asshole)

. 2:02am phone calls. "Is Shanequa back, yet?"

. Gene Simmons. You get laid. Alot. We get it. Now, shut up.

. the wacko fans of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. He is to his daddy what Kyle Petty is to the King. Comprende?

. Pittsburgh Steelers helmets. Just one logo? 

. Cleveland Browns helmets. Not even as good as Pittsburgh's...

. American Idol. 

. speed traps.

. any beer that suggests you add a wedge of fruit...

. casseroles. The sum is not always better than the parts.

. ordering a steak rare. At least make the bleeding stop before you chew

. Carrot Top. Did I mention Carrot Top? Still don't like the Carrot Top...

I could go on, but adding to this list sucks.