You can be cool. Soon...

Hey, why not buy some funny t-shirts? All proceeds go to me and help support my Arizona Cardinals habit. There's plenty of great gear at my Zazzle shop... and more stuff all the time. 

C'mon, you really need a Legalize Crime t-shirt. Seriously...

Final Jeopardy

Something for every occasion...

Stock photography. I don't know how art directors and designers survived before stock sites. (Actually, I'm completely bullshitting. We survived because we actually had to think and have an original concept before. Now, we just settle for what's available because it's easy. And cheaper. But, I digress.) 

Today, there are resources such as iStockphoto.com that allow users to search and locate images that are just right for the occasion. For example, searching for the simple key word of "embarrassment", yields 3,505 images; Looking for awkward situations such as “adolescent boy with braces”, “man with pants down” or “women caught in bathroom stall”? Well, you are in luck.

You’d also be in luck if were searching for “Ashamed dog” (caught by a clever cartoonist sniffing his own shit just moments after the dirty deed). My guess is the dog is actually white... You figure it out:

Looking for a horribly rendered drunken monster being chastized by a horribly rendered authoritarian drunken monster? (Hey, aren’t we all?) Try “impolite young godzilla” on for size:



Need an over-the-top image of a pink horse with 1st place ribbon and polka dots? Hell, here you go... 

Whoever illustrated this is odd. But, whoever captioned it needs to step away from the meth. Here is the full description: Confused Champion Horse stayed in stable while Free Herd played on the valley:



How about the ever popular “Young Man farts and kills a bird” (I swear: that is the caption. What’s worse? It’s been downloaded more than 30 times...):

Seriously, who in the fuck looks at that and say, “you know, for only $10, this would make an ideal image for my project... “? 

Fargin' Iceholes

Hardee's, one of America's beacons of culinary health, has just released Biscuit Holes. In a nutshell (ooh, that was good), it's dough rolled in cinnamon and sugar and served with icing. In a press release, Brad Haley, Hardee's exec VP of marketing, says, "They really are irresistible, and it's almost impossible to eat just one." Don't forget to tip those bartenders and waitresses...

Wow, Brad. Didn't see that one coming. I wonder what Executive Vice President, Marketing, Biscuit Hole Division, Hardee's pays. Maybe I should apply.

Regardless, check out the teaser from Mendelsohn Zien Advertising, Los Angeles:

Update: I have located the cute baby...

In an earlier post, I'd mentioned my inability to locate a cute baby in the picture tagged cute baby girl with pigtails sitting in wicker sleigh. 

With a little help from Photoshop, I've now made her cute. However, the revised description should now read: cute baby girl with pigtails, stubby fingers and no legs, helplessly stuffed inside wicker sleigh.

Hairy fire engines and other things that suck

One of my all time favorite humor pages grades artwork done by children on an A through F scale. I love it. Check it out here. Below is a sample picture and critique...

Ding Ding! Here comes the shit-mobile. I've never seen a fire truck that needed to be shaved. I would rather be burned to death than be saved by this hairy piece of shit. F

Time for a caption contest

Special thanks to Kristen at the office for this beauty. Yet another photo of a woman holding a jumbo pink banana squash in one arm and a miniature schnauzer in the other. OK. Time for a caption contest. Here are some possibilities. Your mileage may vary:

“Damn, Toto...we ARE still in Kansas.” 

“Find ten – to twenty – things wrong with this picture.” 

“No, I said make it a Bud Light...” 

“Just another photo of a woman holding a jumbo pink banana squash in one arm surrounded by a collection of gay ass pillows.” 

“Trailer Park Women: the Babes of Wonkville, Kentucky” 

“Is that a jumbo pink banana squash? I’m sure hoping that’s a jumbo pink banana squash.” 

“When Total Home Makeover Goes Bad.” 

“Looks like the dude in Harry Potter has fallen on hard times...” 

“No, no... the curtains look good.” 

“Interior decorating mantra #3: to reduce clutter, integrate vertical stripes.” 

“Oh, Schnotzzy – did you make a stinky?” 

“I am smiling.”

Redefining cute

As a designer, there are occasions when we need to use stock photography. (Please don't tell the real photographers; they're still in denial and are convinced stock is a fad – like computers.) 

When searching for stock images, it's critical that the image description matches the attributes of the photo. If, for example, you type in "strawberry shortcake" your search results would be filled with pictures of strawberries. And probably shortcake.

So, when I searched for "cute baby" I was waiting for pictures of cute babies. Well, the following photo came up with the following (more in depth) description: cute baby girl with pigtails sitting in wicker sleigh

Holy shit...While I acknowledge there is a wicker sleigh (and a pair pigtails), to date I've located exactly zero cute babies in this picture. Unless Webster changed the description of cute to “breathtakingly odd looking”...

Well, that takes balls

You must hand it to one Erik Anthony Slye of Belgrade, Montana. In his signed affidavit requesting excuse from jury service for Judge John Brown's court, the eloquent and thought provoking Mr. Slye writes the following:

Apparently you morons didn't understand me the first time. I CANNOT take time off from work. I'm not putting my familys (sic) well being at stake to participate in this crap. I don't believe in our "justice" system and I don't want to have a goddam thing to do with it. Jury duty is a complete waste of time. I would rather count the wrinkles on my dogs ball than sit on a jury. Get it through your thick skulls. Leave me the f__k alone.

Um. Yeah... I'm a little concerned with our justice system myself, but, uh... I'll just keep my thoughts to myself, thank you. 

Defining humor

Humor is good. It's tough to argue with that. But, it's tough to define what is humorous. Some people think I'm funny. But, some people also think Carrot Top is funny. Certainly, no one that I know... but I'm sure they are out there.

Disclaimer: I really do not have it in for Carrot Top; I simply don't like his name. If I were a short person, I'd probably think someone with a name like "Midget Dave" was an ass...

Taste is another thing that's tough to establish parameters. I love "tasteless" humor. Always have. No one dies, no one gets hurt... I grew up on t-shirts from the 70s (man, I miss the 70s) like "I nuke gay whales for Christ" and "Do unto others, then split.". Today, tshirthell is my kind of place. Where else could you get a My Native American Name is Steve shirt? I suppose it's not as funny if you're name isn't Steve, but...to each his own.


Bottom line, if you'd rather be snorting coke off a hooker's ass, proving your allegiance to white flour (no, not white power), or simply wonder What Would Jesus Do (for a Klondike Bar) you need to click here.