Corporate speak at its worst

Today, I was forwarded a job posting that a colleague of mine received in one of his Linkedin groups. Who knows, maybe this is up your alley:

VP of Sales Opportunity in NorCal or SoCal

I am looking for an energetic and focused senior executive with extensive management experienced in sales and the IP communications industry. Proven record for conceptualizing and successfully implementing successful sales teams and managing profitable growth. Recognized for strong organization and communication skills and enjoys reputation for keen sense of urgency. In this role, you will focus your considerable business acumen and energy on providing inspirational leadership and strategic direction to realign and refocus a dynamic, customer-focused sales organization, while developing and executing initiatives to maximize both sales and service revenue objectives.

Full P&L responsibility and revenue responsibility for $45M Area including $37M in Product and Managed Services Sales. Management responsibility for team of Sales Directors, Engineering Manager, Sales Representatives, and Sales Engineers. Matrix management responsibility for service and managed service sales specialists.

My take? Hey, where do I apply? Seriously, this is too easy. Yet, prior to my eyes turning to stone, here’s what I picked up:

VP of Sales Opportunity WTF?? If all he wants is opportunity, I know someone here, right within this very office that is your man. Secondly, thankfully he added the “r” to make it “NorCal”. Clearly, a better (more northern, I’ll assume) place than the standard NoCal. Strike One.

I (YOU? Are you not a “forward-looking Company”, or is it you and your team of underlings working in your jammies out of a rented basement?). Should be “We are” or “My company is”... Strike two.

Blah, blah, yanking on my verbal ineptitude, blah, blah, blah...then he strikes gold: “...successfully implementing successful sales teams...” Stop right there. You either successfully implement sales teams OR implement successful sales teams. Two successes don’t make a success. Either way, he’s a douche posing as a “competent person possessing incompetent tendencies”. Strike three.

...enjoys reputation for keen sense of urgency... Oh, please someone kill me. Who in their right mind could write that? WHO? Worse, who in the fuck would read that and go...”holy shit, this is like it’s written for ME...I was just recognized by my peers as being keenly urgent.”

...you will focus your considerable business acumen and energy ...realign and refocus a dynamic, customer-focused sales organization... maximize both sales and service revenue objectives? Umm, no I won’t, not me. Fuck you.

Then something to which I could almost relate popped up: Matrix management responsibility: I’m down. I’ve not seen Matrix, but I do like to blow up shit. And, after reading this, kill people. I could be responsible for that.

So, again, where do I apply?