Thanking the Academy

Today I learned that I'd won a contest through Compendium (blogging software) while blogging on behalf of my work. I didn't even realize there was a contest (nor do I know what I've "won"), but that's beside the point.

To trumpet this stunning accomplishment, I've developed my "acceptance" speech:

I consider this a victory for all of us – and could not have done this without you, the little people. And now, I’d like to thank Sister Mary Hippopotamus, my sixth grade English teacher at Our Lady of the Hurting Heart, for believing in me... To mom and dad: I’m glad the two of you met. Thanks to Playboy and Penthouse magazines for inspiration.

Profound thanks to all of my sponsors: Costco, Kerasotes Theatres, Pepsi, Steak ‘n Shake (how 'bout that chili!), Kellogg’s Pop Tarts, Buddig Beef, Slim Jim, The entire Gummi family: Gummi worms, Gummi bears and coming soon, Gummi ducks. To Spree, SweetTarts, Reeses’ Peanut Butter Cups... you guys are the best! To Anheuser-Busch: beer me!

To the NFL and specifically the Chicago/St. Louis/Phoenix/Arizona Cardinals... thanks for the years of being there (and elsewhere) for me. To Nissan for the car. And Mac for the unbelievable computers. Intel inside!  Yeah!! To Post-Its – thanks for the cool colors. To x-acto blades: stay sharp. To the iPhone... What can be said that hasn't been said? Of course, a lot. But, you kick ass anyway.

ESPN.com, AliceCooper.com, XBox360, www.t-shirthell.com (what, offend me? no way), Madden NFL, most 70's hard rock and 80's heavy metal bands (not Stryper), Iron Maiden, Ronnie James Dio... a profound thanks. You rock! HBO on Sunday nights: so many memories. Bring back Rome, OK?! To DirecTV; fifteen years!! You did it! The NFL Network. NHL Network... SpeedTV...thanks. The Office, 30 Rock. Family Guy... keep it coming! 

To all the software designers and engineers...you know who you are, don't you? PowerPoint, InDesign, Entourage, PhotoShop, Acrobat...the entire Adobe suite of products: muchos gracias. Whoever invented spell check – thnak you vrey munch. 

To Sharon Osbourne: free Ozzy. A big no thank you to HLN – Nancy Grace: you are a phony who feasts on society's bottom feeders. Go pound sand up your ass. To Carrot Top: ____.  To MTV: remember the "M" is for music, m'kay? To the Republican party: surprise! You might want to get your shit in a pile. 2012 will be here. Will you? And, to my beloved Quebec Nordiques, RIP.

Finally, to the people I’ve stepped on during my lifetime of incredible achievement(s), I offer an apologetic "oops." To those I’ll step on in the future – please move to your right.

Glad that's been clarified

Last night, the kids were both staying with friends so my wife and I decided to go to Fresh Market, pick up some salad, steaks, perfect potatoes...and prepare a great meal at home. Relaxing. Yummy.

After dinner, we decided to see if there was anything interesting on one the 7,264 channels through DirecTV. Some of our favorite series are on HBO, and now and again, I don't mind re-watching shows - particularly funny stuff like Flight of the Conchords or Larry David.

Long story short, I kept flipping through the channels to find a show to watch. Nothing of interest on HBO. More flipping...nothing really on Showtime. Continue randomly flipping through channel after channel of nothingness, past .7 second snippets of Hip Hop ab commercials and Sports Illustrated TV offers (BTW, I see the Steelers "just won" the SuperBowl. Memo to Sports Illustrated: the 218 remaining Steeler fans that have not purchased your rag from these post-SB offers have their reasons. They either can't read, or are waiting for their tax check for the cash. Either way, lighten up on the media buy).

By continuing my channel march through every possible option, some interesting pay per view opportunities came up. Things like Slutty Bunny 5 (which was clearly out as we'd be lost since we've not seen Slutty Bunny 1, 2, 3 or 4). With the on screen guide, you can actually read the show synopsis, which really came in handy. Example movie title; Spring Break: Horny College Beach Sluts. Description: 4 horny college sluts doing it all on the beach during Spring Break.

Unfortunately, after a plot spoiler like that, there was no need to order.