The problem with partisan politics

America has some issues and I believe partisan politics are the problem. Our system has degraded to the lowest common denominator, where to get elected, candidates simply promise things that can't (or, shouldn't!) be delivered. Once elected, both sides tow the party line (on nearly every issue), then spend the rest of their time pointing fingers at the other side of the aisle. Nothing gets accomplished (aside from additional pork legislation – must keep constituents happy) while We the People blindly believe our chosen party's PR spin and blame the other party entirely for all our woes. Overly simplistic? As the dunce from Alaska would say, "You betchya."

There's a reason it's become that simple: FOX news, CNN, MSNBC, etc.. The fact is we don't get news reported to us any longer. We get spin delivered, 24/7, in 2 minute chunks complete with fill-in-the-party analysis. That's what shapes (the majority of American's) views. Substantive evening (or morning) news is now non-existent. It's all entertainment. It's show biz. It's Glen Fucking Beck and Bill O'Reilly and Lou Dobbs and Chris Matthews... Our collective national attention span rivals Kramer after mainlining a six pack of Red Bull.

How else can pricks like Dan Burton (R), Indiana, get re-elected year after year with no intention of accomplishing anything other than voting himself pay raises and thumping his chest as a self-appointed morality cop (an army of one)? Unfortunately, he's in Congress for life, because his district is 80% Republican... and, as I believe, people vote party line regardless of competency because it's, well... simple.

For the record, I'm a social liberal and a fiscal conservative. Therefore, I get pissed off (a lot) following the happenings in Washington and what I believe to be misguided political pandering delivered with heavy doses of ineptitude.

We don't need a third party... we need a second one.

Another caption contest...

Though Scratch ‘n Sniff technology was still light years from perfection, Glenda Arlene and hubby Dennis always delivered the goods with their Xmas card.

Frank and Wanda were unaware of the strict anti-kitty porn laws in Des Moines.

A rare nude photo of Snagglepuss and Max. Shown here with their two cats, Spot and Gerome.

After turning state’s evidence, Don “The Curl” Benjovi enjoyed the good life in the witness protection program.

Betty and Johnny Pemberton made quite the impression visiting Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch during the short-lived “Pet the Pussy” booth.

A pre-kickoff meeting?

WTF? That pretty much sums up a business meeting I sat in a few months back from the most dysfunctional corporate entity east of the Mississippi (name withheld simply because they've suffered enough).

This project meeting was originally billed as a "pre-kickoff" meeting, complete with typo-filled agenda and ill-prepared attendees clearly unaware of the actual meeting purpose. It featured an ex-ad agency project manager, a VP of marketing (and sales – evidently the best kind of VP), another project manager in love with the sound of his own voice, an outside consultant unable to articulate her project role, a third project manager intent on smiling through it all (probably watching porn on his laptop), the President of our firm and... me. Throw in an 8th member of the "strategic team" three states west who joined via conference call (and said ... absolutely nothing) and we essentially defined a world-class, A-list, C-level, D-student, category 6, code red, moronathon-of-the-third-kind.

Noticeably absent from the meeting? Anyone remotely possessing decision-making authority from the client side. Oh, damn the details...

There's no such thing as a pre-kick off for, well, anything. You either start something or you don't. You don't pre-start it... Nitpicking? Absolutely. Yet, after 112 minutes, 16 seconds of awkward introductions, ass kissing, blame assignment, risk management delegation, and business-speaking hell had ended, all I really wanted was a shower. And a name change.

Great play, bad call

As the world's biggest Arizona Cardinals fan, I've seen my share of horrific football. Yet, on occasion, they play inspired. Watch Antrel Rolle's blocked field goal return for a touchdown last Sunday against Jacksonville and listen to FOX's Chris Meyers call the play. Typically, an exciting play like this elicits something a little more... inspired than Meyers' offering.

"...And Antrel Rolle (18 yard line a full 60 yards after he caught it) ... will glide (5 yard line)... into the end zone FOR A TOUCHDOWN! (15 yards deep into the end zone, ball already dropped to the ground)." Was Chris even in the stadium or is it like Formula One where the announcers are in a US studio watching a feed? Rolle actually returned the ball 78 yards, but Chris didn't really become interested until he crossed the Jags' 20.

Thankfully Al Michaels was the play by play guy for the Miracle on Ice. Had it been Chris, perhaps the call would've been more like, "Did you see what just happened?"

New Sony commercial with the Coop

The newest SONY commercial (UK only) features my favorite pitchman, the one and only Alice Cooper. Shot a few weeks ago prior to a show in Jackson, Michigan, it's typical tongue-in-cheek Cooper. Be sure to check out the manager credentials 18 seconds in:

Beware the flash cards

My wonderful daughter is compassionate, caring, wise beyond her 9 years and absolutely mediocre at math. It's OK, I figure, as SAT's aren't for another few years. Remember, Einstein wasn't "smart" until it counted, so no need to panic...

I think I may now understand her dilemma. The other day, I stumbled upon a stack of hand-written slips of paper next to the computer mouse with division problems scribbled in pencil (ex: 12 / 4 = 3). Cool, I thought, she's working on her division. As I slid the mouse over to wake up the computer, I inadvertently scatter the homemade flash cards. As I gather them up, I noticed that some of the math didn't exactly jive with my recollection of the facts.  A sampling of her version of division :

8 / 4 = 7

28 / 4 = 12

16 / 4 = 9

4 / 4 = 6

12 / 4 = 8

24 / 4 = 11

and my favorite: 6 / 1 = 7

In an email, my wife writes, "in the good news department, it may mean she'd make an excellent corporate finance officer."

Sorry Cubs fans...

I've always been somewhat fascinated by fans of the Chicago Cubs and their stories of woe. As a lifelong fan of the Arizona Cardinals (yes, they are a football team), I've got a story or ten to tell about bad football. But, until last season, I estimate there were less than 10 confirmed fans of the Cardinals, so there weren't too many people willing to listen to me bitch about the "bad" years (identified by me as beginning the moment I first saw them on Monday Night Football on Nov. 16, 1970 and officially ending this past January, 2009 after winning three playoff games.)

Yet, Cubs fans are everywhere. And they point to events like the 1945 World Series incident (when a longtime Cubs fan – and his billy goat – was removed during Game 4), or 1969's epic collapse to the Mets (spurred on by a black cat encircling Cubs legend Ron Santo while on deck) to 2003's Steve Bartman (who looks remarkably like Subway's Jarod) interfering with the Cubs right fielder during the NLCS against Florida. More recently, they'll blame injuries to Kerry Wood and the rest if their glass-armed staff or the incompetence of former Manager Dusty Baker (a great player, but as a manager he could botch an intentional walk).

Let me make one thing clear: there is a curse. But, it has little to do with the hundreds of innocents that have laced up the cleats for the team representing Chicago's north side. There are far more greater forces at work here. Consider the Cubs perpetual ineptitude baseball's version of divine karma.

More to the point, any organization that at any time during its history would allow this as its logo, deserves to wallow in eternal non-winning purgatory:

Seriously, who in the hell thought this would be acceptable?  I realize this is from the early 1920's and that was a long time ago, but I'm pretty sure that even back then there was an understanding that a royal blue "C" and a brown bear impaled by a fucking bat was in poor form for a logo. "Cubby fans, don't forget to join us next week at Wrigley Field for Shit Stain the Bear Night. The first 20,000 fans receive a Shit Stain crying towel and barf bag courtesy of Old Style."

Regardless, the verdict is in. The Cubs curse is alive and well. 

Oh, Canada!

Most Canadians seem content. Certainly, they're not nearly as uptight as say, we ugly Americans...

Take this informational sign for Ottawa's Constance Bay. Church, Food, Shopping, Recreation, Gas and everyone's favorite, ballroom dancing:

You can be cool. Soon...

Hey, why not buy some funny t-shirts? All proceeds go to me and help support my Arizona Cardinals habit. There's plenty of great gear at my Zazzle shop... and more stuff all the time. 

C'mon, you really need a Legalize Crime t-shirt. Seriously...

Final Jeopardy

Something for every occasion...

Stock photography. I don't know how art directors and designers survived before stock sites. (Actually, I'm completely bullshitting. We survived because we actually had to think and have an original concept before. Now, we just settle for what's available because it's easy. And cheaper. But, I digress.) 

Today, there are resources such as iStockphoto.com that allow users to search and locate images that are just right for the occasion. For example, searching for the simple key word of "embarrassment", yields 3,505 images; Looking for awkward situations such as “adolescent boy with braces”, “man with pants down” or “women caught in bathroom stall”? Well, you are in luck.

You’d also be in luck if were searching for “Ashamed dog” (caught by a clever cartoonist sniffing his own shit just moments after the dirty deed). My guess is the dog is actually white... You figure it out:

Looking for a horribly rendered drunken monster being chastized by a horribly rendered authoritarian drunken monster? (Hey, aren’t we all?) Try “impolite young godzilla” on for size:



Need an over-the-top image of a pink horse with 1st place ribbon and polka dots? Hell, here you go... 

Whoever illustrated this is odd. But, whoever captioned it needs to step away from the meth. Here is the full description: Confused Champion Horse stayed in stable while Free Herd played on the valley:



How about the ever popular “Young Man farts and kills a bird” (I swear: that is the caption. What’s worse? It’s been downloaded more than 30 times...):

Seriously, who in the fuck looks at that and say, “you know, for only $10, this would make an ideal image for my project... “? 

Breaking non-news

Standing in the lobby waiting for the elevator at my office building this morning, I glanced over to the TV monitor on the lobby wall as I do every day. And, typically CNN has a "breaking news" story. Usually, it's something like an uprising in Uganda, flooding in the midwest, twin engine plane missing in the mountains of Utah, Governors flying to Argentina to bang someone that isn't the Governor's wife, or Tony Romo breaking up with Jessica Simpson... that kind of thing.

Today, CNN's breaking news story is the Michael Jackson video of his hair catching fire.

Holy shit. This is breaking news? A 1989 video of a Pepsi commercial shoot where Jackson's hair catches fire is breaking news? Have we stooped so low as a stumbling, demented, star-stalking nation that a 25 year-old video of a dead person suddenly surfacing is now classified as breaking news?

I suppose the network responsible for putting Nancy Grace on television shouldn't be held to higher standards, but to term this as relevant from a news perspective is simply wrong. This should be left to the TMZ's and E! networks of the world. Not CNN.

And this was a good idea when?

Today at the office, I heard a co-worker laugh at loud. Within 10 seconds, Jamie forwarded to me a shot that her friend had taken while "dining" at Panda Express.

No doubt about it, Ling Ling digs the cock... Seriously, is this a misguided attempt to outdo the brilliant "Eat mor chickin" campaign by Chick-fil-A? It doesn't work. On quite a few levels.

Seriously, which brainiac at PE HQ said, "Let's have a Panda Bear licking his chops with a thought bubble containing 'I heart cock'"?

Fargin' Iceholes

Hardee's, one of America's beacons of culinary health, has just released Biscuit Holes. In a nutshell (ooh, that was good), it's dough rolled in cinnamon and sugar and served with icing. In a press release, Brad Haley, Hardee's exec VP of marketing, says, "They really are irresistible, and it's almost impossible to eat just one." Don't forget to tip those bartenders and waitresses...

Wow, Brad. Didn't see that one coming. I wonder what Executive Vice President, Marketing, Biscuit Hole Division, Hardee's pays. Maybe I should apply.

Regardless, check out the teaser from Mendelsohn Zien Advertising, Los Angeles:

Thanking the Academy

Today I learned that I'd won a contest through Compendium (blogging software) while blogging on behalf of my work. I didn't even realize there was a contest (nor do I know what I've "won"), but that's beside the point.

To trumpet this stunning accomplishment, I've developed my "acceptance" speech:

I consider this a victory for all of us – and could not have done this without you, the little people. And now, I’d like to thank Sister Mary Hippopotamus, my sixth grade English teacher at Our Lady of the Hurting Heart, for believing in me... To mom and dad: I’m glad the two of you met. Thanks to Playboy and Penthouse magazines for inspiration.

Profound thanks to all of my sponsors: Costco, Kerasotes Theatres, Pepsi, Steak ‘n Shake (how 'bout that chili!), Kellogg’s Pop Tarts, Buddig Beef, Slim Jim, The entire Gummi family: Gummi worms, Gummi bears and coming soon, Gummi ducks. To Spree, SweetTarts, Reeses’ Peanut Butter Cups... you guys are the best! To Anheuser-Busch: beer me!

To the NFL and specifically the Chicago/St. Louis/Phoenix/Arizona Cardinals... thanks for the years of being there (and elsewhere) for me. To Nissan for the car. And Mac for the unbelievable computers. Intel inside!  Yeah!! To Post-Its – thanks for the cool colors. To x-acto blades: stay sharp. To the iPhone... What can be said that hasn't been said? Of course, a lot. But, you kick ass anyway.

ESPN.com, AliceCooper.com, XBox360, www.t-shirthell.com (what, offend me? no way), Madden NFL, most 70's hard rock and 80's heavy metal bands (not Stryper), Iron Maiden, Ronnie James Dio... a profound thanks. You rock! HBO on Sunday nights: so many memories. Bring back Rome, OK?! To DirecTV; fifteen years!! You did it! The NFL Network. NHL Network... SpeedTV...thanks. The Office, 30 Rock. Family Guy... keep it coming! 

To all the software designers and engineers...you know who you are, don't you? PowerPoint, InDesign, Entourage, PhotoShop, Acrobat...the entire Adobe suite of products: muchos gracias. Whoever invented spell check – thnak you vrey munch. 

To Sharon Osbourne: free Ozzy. A big no thank you to HLN – Nancy Grace: you are a phony who feasts on society's bottom feeders. Go pound sand up your ass. To Carrot Top: ____.  To MTV: remember the "M" is for music, m'kay? To the Republican party: surprise! You might want to get your shit in a pile. 2012 will be here. Will you? And, to my beloved Quebec Nordiques, RIP.

Finally, to the people I’ve stepped on during my lifetime of incredible achievement(s), I offer an apologetic "oops." To those I’ll step on in the future – please move to your right.

Another one (or two) bite the dust

“Two of the most powerful names in wealth management have joined forces to create a new industry leader.” That's the intro found on the website for the latest corporate monstrosity, Morgan Stanley Smith Barney. It continues, “In a financial world that’s being remade, Morgan Stanley’s global wealth management business and Smith Barney have joined forces to offer you thinking and resources to fit the times.” 

Translation: “We're fucked and had to merge resources. This sucks less than our other options...”  

Because it doesn't belong in a Rolodex...

Here's a funny satire with a guy bragging about his expensive business card while goofing on everyday, normal cards. I love the actor in this and some of the lines are brilliant ("looks like crap... it is crap"): 

Please watch the clip and then read the comments below from the YouTube link. I've kept the misspellings, incorrect sentence structure and lack of coherent thought intact for maximum realism: 

• i would throw it away, it doesnt fit in my wallet, im not gonna hold onto it and just carry it around, its inconvenient, i would just get rid of it immediately
  
• How many ways can you say douche bag?
  
• This guy has some good points, but I wonder how he builds crowds "guaranteed" if people don't like him?
  
• Highly efficient people like this often have a lot of money and few real friends...
  
• His card is one of the most impressive looking business cards I've seen. The first impression is the most important in a business. He talks like a crazy dude, but he said it himself "even if they don't like you, they won't throw it out"
  
• I guarantee I can do a b-card faster than 25 years pal...that's for sure!
  
• lol douche... 25 freaking years... in that time you could make a hologram card dammit
  
• That would not be considered a business card that is a flyer... but a great flyer indeed sir!
  
• My business card is cooler than this, and more memorable. It came to me instantaneously. Also, this feller's business card doesn't fit in a card book, and because it looks more like a flier than a card, I'd be more apt to chuck it. Plus, I don't like the guy. Business is about relationships, and this guy instantly makes me want to wash my hands.
  

For now, I will assume most of these ass-clowns believe the WWF is sport, the Simpsons is a documentary set in Springfield, Illinois, and the phone company had JFK whacked. Because knowing these people also drive, vote and can legally carry guns scares the shit out of me...

Update: I have located the cute baby...

In an earlier post, I'd mentioned my inability to locate a cute baby in the picture tagged cute baby girl with pigtails sitting in wicker sleigh. 

With a little help from Photoshop, I've now made her cute. However, the revised description should now read: cute baby girl with pigtails, stubby fingers and no legs, helplessly stuffed inside wicker sleigh.

It was funny then...

I've always followed the career of a fantastic graphic designer, Jerry Herring (Herring Design, Houston), in part because of a close connection to a family friend, but also because of Jerry's terrific sense of humor.  

One of Herring Design's many memorable self promotions is now a part of the American Institute of Graphic Arts permanent collection – a brochure of Stock Trademarks sent out to friends, clients and prospects in 1975. 

At that time, this was a brilliant concept: "Are you in need of a dynamic new image... but you are hesitant to act because of the expense and uncertainty of selecting an image... that is precisely why [we have] produced this collection... [These] are not only inexpensive, but can be used for almost any company... All the designs are available in black, green and blue. A few are available in red. Allow 2-3 weeks for delivery". 

A sample for your pleasure, the Arrow Trademark (please note: Specify whether going straight up or to the right):

Other offerings included a star (perfect for those doing movie, government or occult work. Special clearance needed to do red) and a crest (especially good for new restaurants in need of a long history). 

Herring immediately knew he was onto something when he began receiving calls specific to pricing... 

Fast forward to today and online offerings for "entire brand packages" from $99 and it's painfully obvious that Herring was ahead of his time. Only now, it isn't nearly as funny.

Breaking news: people die...

The Swine Flu over-reaction is now reaching unprecedented levels. I am continually amazed (well, not really anymore) at our government’s total over-reaction regarding the recent H1N1 scare. My initial thought when there had been only one (1) reported death that the response by media and government alike was akin to calling in the National Guard for someone burning leaves in a suburban backyard. That was May 11th.

Of note (and you’d think that any respected news organization would report this both before and after any mention of H1N1), roughly 30,000 Americans die every year from “regular” flu. It’s life: you might get sick and – depending on your immune system, level of health, and degree of care – there is a possibility that with any illness your body could fail. 

I'd be willing to bet that, statistically in the US, more people named Smith will die in car crashes on Tuesdays in Arkansas than from the swine flu this year. Yet, nearly eight weeks after the initial tidal wave of hype and over-reaction, the story still remains a top news item – although I must admit the death toll has risen to an "astronomical" 160 (worldwide). 

Hmmm... maybe I should wash my hands...