You can be cool. Soon...

Hey, why not buy some funny t-shirts? All proceeds go to me and help support my Arizona Cardinals habit. There's plenty of great gear at my Zazzle shop... and more stuff all the time. 

C'mon, you really need a Legalize Crime t-shirt. Seriously...

Final Jeopardy

Something for every occasion...

Stock photography. I don't know how art directors and designers survived before stock sites. (Actually, I'm completely bullshitting. We survived because we actually had to think and have an original concept before. Now, we just settle for what's available because it's easy. And cheaper. But, I digress.) 

Today, there are resources such as iStockphoto.com that allow users to search and locate images that are just right for the occasion. For example, searching for the simple key word of "embarrassment", yields 3,505 images; Looking for awkward situations such as “adolescent boy with braces”, “man with pants down” or “women caught in bathroom stall”? Well, you are in luck.

You’d also be in luck if were searching for “Ashamed dog” (caught by a clever cartoonist sniffing his own shit just moments after the dirty deed). My guess is the dog is actually white... You figure it out:

Looking for a horribly rendered drunken monster being chastized by a horribly rendered authoritarian drunken monster? (Hey, aren’t we all?) Try “impolite young godzilla” on for size:



Need an over-the-top image of a pink horse with 1st place ribbon and polka dots? Hell, here you go... 

Whoever illustrated this is odd. But, whoever captioned it needs to step away from the meth. Here is the full description: Confused Champion Horse stayed in stable while Free Herd played on the valley:



How about the ever popular “Young Man farts and kills a bird” (I swear: that is the caption. What’s worse? It’s been downloaded more than 30 times...):

Seriously, who in the fuck looks at that and say, “you know, for only $10, this would make an ideal image for my project... “? 

Breaking non-news

Standing in the lobby waiting for the elevator at my office building this morning, I glanced over to the TV monitor on the lobby wall as I do every day. And, typically CNN has a "breaking news" story. Usually, it's something like an uprising in Uganda, flooding in the midwest, twin engine plane missing in the mountains of Utah, Governors flying to Argentina to bang someone that isn't the Governor's wife, or Tony Romo breaking up with Jessica Simpson... that kind of thing.

Today, CNN's breaking news story is the Michael Jackson video of his hair catching fire.

Holy shit. This is breaking news? A 1989 video of a Pepsi commercial shoot where Jackson's hair catches fire is breaking news? Have we stooped so low as a stumbling, demented, star-stalking nation that a 25 year-old video of a dead person suddenly surfacing is now classified as breaking news?

I suppose the network responsible for putting Nancy Grace on television shouldn't be held to higher standards, but to term this as relevant from a news perspective is simply wrong. This should be left to the TMZ's and E! networks of the world. Not CNN.

And this was a good idea when?

Today at the office, I heard a co-worker laugh at loud. Within 10 seconds, Jamie forwarded to me a shot that her friend had taken while "dining" at Panda Express.

No doubt about it, Ling Ling digs the cock... Seriously, is this a misguided attempt to outdo the brilliant "Eat mor chickin" campaign by Chick-fil-A? It doesn't work. On quite a few levels.

Seriously, which brainiac at PE HQ said, "Let's have a Panda Bear licking his chops with a thought bubble containing 'I heart cock'"?

Fargin' Iceholes

Hardee's, one of America's beacons of culinary health, has just released Biscuit Holes. In a nutshell (ooh, that was good), it's dough rolled in cinnamon and sugar and served with icing. In a press release, Brad Haley, Hardee's exec VP of marketing, says, "They really are irresistible, and it's almost impossible to eat just one." Don't forget to tip those bartenders and waitresses...

Wow, Brad. Didn't see that one coming. I wonder what Executive Vice President, Marketing, Biscuit Hole Division, Hardee's pays. Maybe I should apply.

Regardless, check out the teaser from Mendelsohn Zien Advertising, Los Angeles:

Thanking the Academy

Today I learned that I'd won a contest through Compendium (blogging software) while blogging on behalf of my work. I didn't even realize there was a contest (nor do I know what I've "won"), but that's beside the point.

To trumpet this stunning accomplishment, I've developed my "acceptance" speech:

I consider this a victory for all of us – and could not have done this without you, the little people. And now, I’d like to thank Sister Mary Hippopotamus, my sixth grade English teacher at Our Lady of the Hurting Heart, for believing in me... To mom and dad: I’m glad the two of you met. Thanks to Playboy and Penthouse magazines for inspiration.

Profound thanks to all of my sponsors: Costco, Kerasotes Theatres, Pepsi, Steak ‘n Shake (how 'bout that chili!), Kellogg’s Pop Tarts, Buddig Beef, Slim Jim, The entire Gummi family: Gummi worms, Gummi bears and coming soon, Gummi ducks. To Spree, SweetTarts, Reeses’ Peanut Butter Cups... you guys are the best! To Anheuser-Busch: beer me!

To the NFL and specifically the Chicago/St. Louis/Phoenix/Arizona Cardinals... thanks for the years of being there (and elsewhere) for me. To Nissan for the car. And Mac for the unbelievable computers. Intel inside!  Yeah!! To Post-Its – thanks for the cool colors. To x-acto blades: stay sharp. To the iPhone... What can be said that hasn't been said? Of course, a lot. But, you kick ass anyway.

ESPN.com, AliceCooper.com, XBox360, www.t-shirthell.com (what, offend me? no way), Madden NFL, most 70's hard rock and 80's heavy metal bands (not Stryper), Iron Maiden, Ronnie James Dio... a profound thanks. You rock! HBO on Sunday nights: so many memories. Bring back Rome, OK?! To DirecTV; fifteen years!! You did it! The NFL Network. NHL Network... SpeedTV...thanks. The Office, 30 Rock. Family Guy... keep it coming! 

To all the software designers and engineers...you know who you are, don't you? PowerPoint, InDesign, Entourage, PhotoShop, Acrobat...the entire Adobe suite of products: muchos gracias. Whoever invented spell check – thnak you vrey munch. 

To Sharon Osbourne: free Ozzy. A big no thank you to HLN – Nancy Grace: you are a phony who feasts on society's bottom feeders. Go pound sand up your ass. To Carrot Top: ____.  To MTV: remember the "M" is for music, m'kay? To the Republican party: surprise! You might want to get your shit in a pile. 2012 will be here. Will you? And, to my beloved Quebec Nordiques, RIP.

Finally, to the people I’ve stepped on during my lifetime of incredible achievement(s), I offer an apologetic "oops." To those I’ll step on in the future – please move to your right.