Just keeping it Réal...

When I was 10, I wanted a different name. Steve Nealy seemed so...normal. Since Alice Cooper and Leif Garrett were already taken, I wanted something even cooler. At my first pro hockey game in '75, the definition of holy-shit-name-coolness hit me like a two ton heavy thing: Réal Cloutier of the Quebec Nordiques.

(True story: I thought they were the "Nordi-cues" until their first goal was announced: "Quebec goal by Real Cloutier. Assisted by Mario Tremblay and Marc Tardif. Time of the Nordiques goal..." I believe Nordique is Canadian for "bacon-chugging greaseball", but they did have cool unis.)

Pronounced ReeAl ClooCheeAy, it was perfect. Who wouldn't want to be Réal Cloutier? If your name is Réal Cloutier, you could do anything. Better yet, you could get ANY chick. Immediately, I began plans to become Central Indiana's only Réal Cloutier. Before I could fully investigate my re-naming process (period two of the hockey game), my soon-to-be-awesomeness was dealt a fatal blow: I found out his nickname was Buddy.

WTF? Buddy? Buddy Cloutier? How could someone with a name that defined cool, be down with Buddy?

No doubt, the name makes the man. Just look at pop culture. It's Bond... James Bond, not, Bond... Timmy Bond. Rambo was John Rambo, not Bruce Rambo. Chuck Norris is Chuck Fucking Norris, OK? (Chuck's given name is actually Carlos Ray Norris, but pity the first cat that told him "Carlos seems kind of gay".) In all seriousness, Kip Winger is a badass musician, but his career wouldn't have been gunned down on MTV by Beavis and Butthead if his name wasn't Kip. You just can't defend Kip as a cool name. Nor could I be down with being Buddy Anything.

So I learned a very important lesson at a young age: maybe being Steve Nealy isn't all that bad.

An oldie, but a goodie

Years ago I caught an Emo Phillips routine about religion. For those not familiar with Emo Phillips, he is to freaky what Octomom is to annoying. However, his religion bit was a classic. I bring you the transcript:

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said 'Stop! don't do it!'

'Why shouldn't I?' he said.

I said, 'Well, there's so much to live for!'

He said, 'Like what?'

I said, 'Well...are you religious or atheist?'

He said, 'Religious.'

I said, 'Me too!

Are you Christian or Buddhist?'

He said, 'Christian.'

I said, 'Me too!

Are you Catholic or Protestant?'

He said, 'Protestant.'

I said, 'Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?'

He said, 'Baptist!'

I said, 'Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?'

He said, 'Baptist Church of God!'

I said, 'Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?'

He said, 'Reformed Baptist Church of God!'

I said, 'Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?'

He said, 'Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!'

I said, 'Die, heretic scum,' and pushed him off.

Glad that's been clarified

Last night, the kids were both staying with friends so my wife and I decided to go to Fresh Market, pick up some salad, steaks, perfect potatoes...and prepare a great meal at home. Relaxing. Yummy.

After dinner, we decided to see if there was anything interesting on one the 7,264 channels through DirecTV. Some of our favorite series are on HBO, and now and again, I don't mind re-watching shows - particularly funny stuff like Flight of the Conchords or Larry David.

Long story short, I kept flipping through the channels to find a show to watch. Nothing of interest on HBO. More flipping...nothing really on Showtime. Continue randomly flipping through channel after channel of nothingness, past .7 second snippets of Hip Hop ab commercials and Sports Illustrated TV offers (BTW, I see the Steelers "just won" the SuperBowl. Memo to Sports Illustrated: the 218 remaining Steeler fans that have not purchased your rag from these post-SB offers have their reasons. They either can't read, or are waiting for their tax check for the cash. Either way, lighten up on the media buy).

By continuing my channel march through every possible option, some interesting pay per view opportunities came up. Things like Slutty Bunny 5 (which was clearly out as we'd be lost since we've not seen Slutty Bunny 1, 2, 3 or 4). With the on screen guide, you can actually read the show synopsis, which really came in handy. Example movie title; Spring Break: Horny College Beach Sluts. Description: 4 horny college sluts doing it all on the beach during Spring Break.

Unfortunately, after a plot spoiler like that, there was no need to order.

I think someone is in trouble

Far be it for me to judge another guy's issues, but I think this Steven cat has some explaining to do. Do you think it's possible that Emily is jumping the gun? There could be a perfect explanation for (most of) this. Perhaps it was a hoax a la Candid Camera. Or, maybe, someone is about to be Punk'd...

Nah. I think Steven is hosed...

Defining humor

Humor is good. It's tough to argue with that. But, it's tough to define what is humorous. Some people think I'm funny. But, some people also think Carrot Top is funny. Certainly, no one that I know... but I'm sure they are out there.

Disclaimer: I really do not have it in for Carrot Top; I simply don't like his name. If I were a short person, I'd probably think someone with a name like "Midget Dave" was an ass...

Taste is another thing that's tough to establish parameters. I love "tasteless" humor. Always have. No one dies, no one gets hurt... I grew up on t-shirts from the 70s (man, I miss the 70s) like "I nuke gay whales for Christ" and "Do unto others, then split.". Today, tshirthell is my kind of place. Where else could you get a My Native American Name is Steve shirt? I suppose it's not as funny if you're name isn't Steve, but...to each his own.


Bottom line, if you'd rather be snorting coke off a hooker's ass, proving your allegiance to white flour (no, not white power), or simply wonder What Would Jesus Do (for a Klondike Bar) you need to click here.

Who thinks of these things?

Last night, my wife and I enjoyed an evening out with friends at a Pacers game. While the basketball was mediocre (remember: it was an NBA game), we all had a good time. I thought I spotted Dr. Ruth on the Jumbotron, but it may have just been an old person...

As a member of the human race and someone that enjoys observing others of our species making total twits of themselves hoping to see themselves "on TV", it's always amusing to check out the depths some will go for free shit, like banana shaped stress balls with an oil company logo... or, a t-shirt.

Yet, last night it wasn't the nutjobs spilling their $7.50 Coors Lights for medium white Hanes Pacers tees that caught my attention. Instead, I was mesmerized by the t-shirt gun that fires the aforementioned beefy tees with enough average velocity to kill a small mammal from 40 yards away.

T-shirt gun? What a concept. Next thought: who thinks of this shit? Seriously, who thinks to themselves: "I must develop a gun that needs no bullets, only a folded cotton t-shirt as ammunition"? Was there a market needs analysis for "a big ass hand-held pneumatic triggered bazooka that launches t-shirts into crowds"? I'm both fascinated – and disturbed. 

Well, I'll tell you who: the same guy that decided launching a mere 4 or 5 t-shirts during timeouts was for pussies. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the SABRE, "the world's first and only rapid loading and firing t-shirt cannon." Available online through (where else?): tshirtgun.com

A semi-automatic t-shirt blaster? Wish I'd thought of that. 

I wonder if anyone is developing a laser-guided scope? 

Corporate speak at its worst

Today, I was forwarded a job posting that a colleague of mine received in one of his Linkedin groups. Who knows, maybe this is up your alley:

VP of Sales Opportunity in NorCal or SoCal

I am looking for an energetic and focused senior executive with extensive management experienced in sales and the IP communications industry. Proven record for conceptualizing and successfully implementing successful sales teams and managing profitable growth. Recognized for strong organization and communication skills and enjoys reputation for keen sense of urgency. In this role, you will focus your considerable business acumen and energy on providing inspirational leadership and strategic direction to realign and refocus a dynamic, customer-focused sales organization, while developing and executing initiatives to maximize both sales and service revenue objectives.

Full P&L responsibility and revenue responsibility for $45M Area including $37M in Product and Managed Services Sales. Management responsibility for team of Sales Directors, Engineering Manager, Sales Representatives, and Sales Engineers. Matrix management responsibility for service and managed service sales specialists.

My take? Hey, where do I apply? Seriously, this is too easy. Yet, prior to my eyes turning to stone, here’s what I picked up:

VP of Sales Opportunity WTF?? If all he wants is opportunity, I know someone here, right within this very office that is your man. Secondly, thankfully he added the “r” to make it “NorCal”. Clearly, a better (more northern, I’ll assume) place than the standard NoCal. Strike One.

I (YOU? Are you not a “forward-looking Company”, or is it you and your team of underlings working in your jammies out of a rented basement?). Should be “We are” or “My company is”... Strike two.

Blah, blah, yanking on my verbal ineptitude, blah, blah, blah...then he strikes gold: “...successfully implementing successful sales teams...” Stop right there. You either successfully implement sales teams OR implement successful sales teams. Two successes don’t make a success. Either way, he’s a douche posing as a “competent person possessing incompetent tendencies”. Strike three.

...enjoys reputation for keen sense of urgency... Oh, please someone kill me. Who in their right mind could write that? WHO? Worse, who in the fuck would read that and go...”holy shit, this is like it’s written for ME...I was just recognized by my peers as being keenly urgent.”

...you will focus your considerable business acumen and energy ...realign and refocus a dynamic, customer-focused sales organization... maximize both sales and service revenue objectives? Umm, no I won’t, not me. Fuck you.

Then something to which I could almost relate popped up: Matrix management responsibility: I’m down. I’ve not seen Matrix, but I do like to blow up shit. And, after reading this, kill people. I could be responsible for that.

So, again, where do I apply?