Hairy fire engines and other things that suck

One of my all time favorite humor pages grades artwork done by children on an A through F scale. I love it. Check it out here. Below is a sample picture and critique...

Ding Ding! Here comes the shit-mobile. I've never seen a fire truck that needed to be shaved. I would rather be burned to death than be saved by this hairy piece of shit. F

Time for a caption contest

Special thanks to Kristen at the office for this beauty. Yet another photo of a woman holding a jumbo pink banana squash in one arm and a miniature schnauzer in the other. OK. Time for a caption contest. Here are some possibilities. Your mileage may vary:

“Damn, Toto...we ARE still in Kansas.” 

“Find ten – to twenty – things wrong with this picture.” 

“No, I said make it a Bud Light...” 

“Just another photo of a woman holding a jumbo pink banana squash in one arm surrounded by a collection of gay ass pillows.” 

“Trailer Park Women: the Babes of Wonkville, Kentucky” 

“Is that a jumbo pink banana squash? I’m sure hoping that’s a jumbo pink banana squash.” 

“When Total Home Makeover Goes Bad.” 

“Looks like the dude in Harry Potter has fallen on hard times...” 

“No, no... the curtains look good.” 

“Interior decorating mantra #3: to reduce clutter, integrate vertical stripes.” 

“Oh, Schnotzzy – did you make a stinky?” 

“I am smiling.”

Redefining cute

As a designer, there are occasions when we need to use stock photography. (Please don't tell the real photographers; they're still in denial and are convinced stock is a fad – like computers.) 

When searching for stock images, it's critical that the image description matches the attributes of the photo. If, for example, you type in "strawberry shortcake" your search results would be filled with pictures of strawberries. And probably shortcake.

So, when I searched for "cute baby" I was waiting for pictures of cute babies. Well, the following photo came up with the following (more in depth) description: cute baby girl with pigtails sitting in wicker sleigh

Holy shit...While I acknowledge there is a wicker sleigh (and a pair pigtails), to date I've located exactly zero cute babies in this picture. Unless Webster changed the description of cute to “breathtakingly odd looking”...

Well, that takes balls

You must hand it to one Erik Anthony Slye of Belgrade, Montana. In his signed affidavit requesting excuse from jury service for Judge John Brown's court, the eloquent and thought provoking Mr. Slye writes the following:

Apparently you morons didn't understand me the first time. I CANNOT take time off from work. I'm not putting my familys (sic) well being at stake to participate in this crap. I don't believe in our "justice" system and I don't want to have a goddam thing to do with it. Jury duty is a complete waste of time. I would rather count the wrinkles on my dogs ball than sit on a jury. Get it through your thick skulls. Leave me the f__k alone.

Um. Yeah... I'm a little concerned with our justice system myself, but, uh... I'll just keep my thoughts to myself, thank you. 

Just keeping it Réal...

When I was 10, I wanted a different name. Steve Nealy seemed so...normal. Since Alice Cooper and Leif Garrett were already taken, I wanted something even cooler. At my first pro hockey game in '75, the definition of holy-shit-name-coolness hit me like a two ton heavy thing: Réal Cloutier of the Quebec Nordiques.

(True story: I thought they were the "Nordi-cues" until their first goal was announced: "Quebec goal by Real Cloutier. Assisted by Mario Tremblay and Marc Tardif. Time of the Nordiques goal..." I believe Nordique is Canadian for "bacon-chugging greaseball", but they did have cool unis.)

Pronounced ReeAl ClooCheeAy, it was perfect. Who wouldn't want to be Réal Cloutier? If your name is Réal Cloutier, you could do anything. Better yet, you could get ANY chick. Immediately, I began plans to become Central Indiana's only Réal Cloutier. Before I could fully investigate my re-naming process (period two of the hockey game), my soon-to-be-awesomeness was dealt a fatal blow: I found out his nickname was Buddy.

WTF? Buddy? Buddy Cloutier? How could someone with a name that defined cool, be down with Buddy?

No doubt, the name makes the man. Just look at pop culture. It's Bond... James Bond, not, Bond... Timmy Bond. Rambo was John Rambo, not Bruce Rambo. Chuck Norris is Chuck Fucking Norris, OK? (Chuck's given name is actually Carlos Ray Norris, but pity the first cat that told him "Carlos seems kind of gay".) In all seriousness, Kip Winger is a badass musician, but his career wouldn't have been gunned down on MTV by Beavis and Butthead if his name wasn't Kip. You just can't defend Kip as a cool name. Nor could I be down with being Buddy Anything.

So I learned a very important lesson at a young age: maybe being Steve Nealy isn't all that bad.

An oldie, but a goodie

Years ago I caught an Emo Phillips routine about religion. For those not familiar with Emo Phillips, he is to freaky what Octomom is to annoying. However, his religion bit was a classic. I bring you the transcript:

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said 'Stop! don't do it!'

'Why shouldn't I?' he said.

I said, 'Well, there's so much to live for!'

He said, 'Like what?'

I said, 'Well...are you religious or atheist?'

He said, 'Religious.'

I said, 'Me too!

Are you Christian or Buddhist?'

He said, 'Christian.'

I said, 'Me too!

Are you Catholic or Protestant?'

He said, 'Protestant.'

I said, 'Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?'

He said, 'Baptist!'

I said, 'Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?'

He said, 'Baptist Church of God!'

I said, 'Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?'

He said, 'Reformed Baptist Church of God!'

I said, 'Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?'

He said, 'Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!'

I said, 'Die, heretic scum,' and pushed him off.

Glad that's been clarified

Last night, the kids were both staying with friends so my wife and I decided to go to Fresh Market, pick up some salad, steaks, perfect potatoes...and prepare a great meal at home. Relaxing. Yummy.

After dinner, we decided to see if there was anything interesting on one the 7,264 channels through DirecTV. Some of our favorite series are on HBO, and now and again, I don't mind re-watching shows - particularly funny stuff like Flight of the Conchords or Larry David.

Long story short, I kept flipping through the channels to find a show to watch. Nothing of interest on HBO. More flipping...nothing really on Showtime. Continue randomly flipping through channel after channel of nothingness, past .7 second snippets of Hip Hop ab commercials and Sports Illustrated TV offers (BTW, I see the Steelers "just won" the SuperBowl. Memo to Sports Illustrated: the 218 remaining Steeler fans that have not purchased your rag from these post-SB offers have their reasons. They either can't read, or are waiting for their tax check for the cash. Either way, lighten up on the media buy).

By continuing my channel march through every possible option, some interesting pay per view opportunities came up. Things like Slutty Bunny 5 (which was clearly out as we'd be lost since we've not seen Slutty Bunny 1, 2, 3 or 4). With the on screen guide, you can actually read the show synopsis, which really came in handy. Example movie title; Spring Break: Horny College Beach Sluts. Description: 4 horny college sluts doing it all on the beach during Spring Break.

Unfortunately, after a plot spoiler like that, there was no need to order.